Men in hiding

THOUSANDS of men left for work at 5am this morning to avoid being proposed at.

Tradition dictates that on 29 February women are allowed under the ancient rites of common law to corner their partner and force him to stop fucking about.

Historians date the practice back to AD 61 when Queen Boudica told her boyfriend she would not lead a single Iceni to revolt until he explained why he never left any tunics or even a toothbrush round at her place.

Carlisle office manager Nikki Hollis said: “I’m actually on the brink of breaking up with my partner for a number of compatibility, emotional and cock-related reasons but I bought a ten quid Argos ring just to see the look of horror on his face this morning.

“Having the bedroom window reglazed is going to cost two hundred quid but it was totally worth it to watch his pale, flabby arse flying out of it.”

Offices were opened first thing by security guards who are perfectly happy the way things are without having to complicate matters and productivity has soared as male staff get on with their jobs rather than risk seeing an email entitled ‘A Very Special Question’.

Tom Logan, a call centre unit from Sunderland, said: “Like most men I’ll instantly answer ‘yes’ to anything that avoids sobbing, a conversation or being called a prick by somebody’s mother.

“Therefore I have eaten the sim card from my phone, I’ve made a nest under my desk out of printer paper and I’m wearing a camouflage onesie.

“I don’t have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of needing to give a monkey’s fuck about floral arrangements.”



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Greedy people have more stuff, say experts

PEOPLE who want lots of stuff are more likely to have it than people who are not really that bothered, scientist have claimed.

Psychologists at the University of California found that wealthy people had a habit of wanting money and would actively do things in order to acquire it.

Research director Paul Piff said: “It seems that rich people have become rich by being greedy and developing strategies to get the things they want, while poor people may have entertained the idea of having lots of money but then decided not to do anything about it.

“This has led to a situation where some people have more things than other people.”

Dr Piff said the results now raise the possibilty that human beings are animals with some sort of ‘survival instinct’.

But the research was dismissed by the International Association of Wealthy Individuals who invited Dr Piff to their mahogany-lined study for a glass of whisky and a quiet chat to see if they could sort out this silly mess.

A spokesman said: “You and I are men of the world, Dr Piff. Tell me what I can do to make this little problem go away.”

Meanwhile, the study also concluded that all rich people are exactly the same as Terry-Thomas in Monte Carlo or Bust.

Dr Piff added: “We studied traffic at an intersection and found that people in expensive cars are 73% more likely to have a contraption fitted to the back which spews out oil in a bid to make driving condition treacherous for Tony Curtis and Susan Hampshire.

“And more than 60% get Eric Sykes to do their dirty work for them.”