Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I don’t want to be a head teacher any longer. I want to shave symbols on my head, join a street crew and do some fast formation dancing, and eventually try out for Britain’s Got Talent. But my wife won’t let me. Why is she such a cow?

Dear Malcolm,
Sorry to break it to you, but it turns out that being a grown up is miserable and rubbish. By the time you’re old enough to be allowed on the big roller coaster and watch 18 certificate films and sleep on the top bunk, you’re too busy having to do rubbish stuff, like the ironing, and spending all your free time in John Lewis deciding which pillow cases go best with the new wallpaper. Even when you have a break from work and comparing multipacks of toilet roll in Asda, you still can’t have fun because you have to invite people who annoy you over to dinner, drink loads of wine and get into pointless arguments about politics, then puke everywhere and have to clean it up AND do the washing up after. Then you need to get to Asda again because you’ve run low on toilet paper and also you need to check if they sell pillowcases to replace the one you vomited on.

Instead of doing all that pointless adult stuff and spending all your money on electricity and shower gel, why not treat yourself to a blue raspberry Slush Puppie and a quarter of Kola Kubes, and play Buckaroo or Kerplunk!

Hope that helps!



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week will be a series of unexpected journeys, meeting new people and facing difficult challenges. Yes, you’re going to jail.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
While you may well be the only sane person in a world gone crazy, on this very technical legal point I’m going to go ahead and rule that you’re madder than a stoat with shaved balls.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

You still remember every detail of your first teenage kiss – the song playing on the radio, the smell of her shampoo, the awkward, tender promises you made to each other. You also remember every single other second of your childhood in equally vivid detail. You’re 43 years old. What’s wrong with you?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

The sight of you sat alone, blowing out the birthday candle on your apple pie has topped the list of the most pathetic things the staff of McDonalds have ever seen. Bravo!

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Time to buy a whole new summer wardrobe. The old one is full of restraining orders and wank-hankies.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Having heard The Hunger Games being described as ‘Battle Royale mixed with Twilight’ you’re left with the indelible image of a gleaming piece of beautifully fresh sashimi wiped on a tramp’s taint.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Well I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more. Anything to avoid using GNER again, really.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

One person a year dies from head injuries sustained from a prostitute falling out of a plane. There is a very specific reason I’m telling you this.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Mark all emails ‘read’. Delete all voicemails. Flick the sign on your office door to ‘out’. And now for eight hours of ebay and absentminded groin exploration.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

While you’re not ready to sell your soul to Satan for unlimited earthly delights, you have been looking into incantations which lease him your sense of decency for three months in return for a cup final ticket.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

One more tweet in that format and you’re going to be *screwdriver sticking out the side of your face*

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions of Psychic Bob Horoscopes and accept full responsibility for any loss of income, temporary blindness and/or genital trauma.