THE Windows 8 operating system will come in three varieties of ball-shrinking awfulness, Microsoft has promised.
The new software will be sold in a package including a DVD, a wax cylinder, a floppy disc and a series of clues leading to the location of an old man who once knew but has since forgotten your activation code.
There have been thousands of modifications to the system to ensure that absolutely nothing is where it used to be, while the trademark ‘download updates now?’ also comes in the form of an email request, an angry letter in block capitals and two ex-paratroopers knocking on your door at 3am.
A Microsoft spokesman said: “Rather than producing a dozen different systems that make you want to cry, we’ve streamlined it to three entitled ‘hurry up’, ‘why is it doing that?’ and ‘just fuck off’.
“You’d think that with Bill Gates spending most of his time on charity work we’d have got better at this. But we haven’t and we don’t know why.”
One major development is the absence of the ‘Start’ button, which was removed on the grounds it gave people the impression that something may actually happen.
The spokesman added: “Also, we’ve become Buddhist so we can be more like Steve Jobs which means that each version of Windows is a karmic reincarnation, punishing people for acts of violence committed against the previous version.
“There is no ‘start’, just a cycle of endlessly repeating error messages.”