Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I am really worried about my youngest son. He's only 15 but I think him and his friends might be drinking alcohol and smoking wacky cigarettes. He used to be such a darling boy, who took a keen interest in sport, as well as being a popular and active younger member of our church. Now all he does is slouch about in ill-fitting clothing with a permanent scowl on his face. He refuses to attend church with myself and my husband, and has even begun denying the existence of God. I've tried singing hymns to him and leaving post-it notes containing advisory passages from the Bible around the house, but I think Satan may already have him in his evil grasp. What do you suggest?

Dear Norma,
I think I know what's wrong with your son. It appears he's gone pubic. My big sister went pubic a couple of years ago and since then she's taken on a whole new scary personality. I generally try to avoid her these days because she likes to take her new violent streak out on me. She never wants to play teddy bears' picnic anymore because she says it's gay, whatever that means, and she won't let me in her room to play at all anymore. I was raking through her top drawer once, trying to find hidden sweets, and came across a box of strange, lollipops which explode in your mouth. They didn't taste very nice but they make ideal bouyancy aids for Barbie when she goes swimming. I asked my mummy when my sister will be nice again, and she said probably never. So unfortunately, I think you'll have to get used to the idea that your son is pubic and/or possessed by the devil, and move on with your lives.
Hope that helps!

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UK X-Files Confirm British Cretins Among Best In World

MINISTRY of Defence files detailing decades of UFO sightings have confirmed that Britain's imbeciles are as good as anyone's, including America's.

The previously classified records reveal the strength and depth of Britain's cretinosity, as well as setting out a variety of explanations for the alleged alien sightings, including experimental aircraft, freak weather conditions and Norfolk.

The papers document some of Britain's most notorious UFO cases including the 'Rendlesham Incident', the 'Bovingdon Oddity' and the 'Kimblewick Unpleasantness' of 1978.

One report, from 1995, describes how two children from Bovingdon, in Hertfordshire, were almost lured onto a helicopter-shaped spacecraft by an alien who 'could walk backwards but made it look like he was walking forwards'.

According to the files: "The translucent creature called to them in a melodic falsetto and was only scared off after a local farmer threatened to report him and his pet monkey to the police."

Experts have noted that reports of flying saucers increased when The X-Files and Independence Day were popular, suggesting a strong link between delusional, mitten-wearing bedsit-dwellers, 12th-rate science fiction and wasting police time.

Ufologist Charlie Reeves said: "The government has simply confirmed the existence of a huge conspiracy to hide the evidence of alien intelligence by releasing every scrap of information they have to the public in an easy-to-open PDF format."

A Ministry of Defence spokesman added: "Britain's best selling paper is The Sun, the best selling author is Tom Clancy and the most popular DJ is Chris Moyles.

"I'm amazed half the country don't shit their breeks every time they see a pelican crossing."