Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I'm a manager, but my staff don't respect me at all, and are constantly making me the butt of their jokes. At first I just ignored them, but over the last few weeks it has got worse. I constantly find post-it-notes saying things like 'twatmuppet' and 'knob-gobbler' stuck to my back, and the other day, I came in to find my Winne the Pooh desk mascot hanging from the ceiling in some kind of mock-execution. I know I'm a grown man, but I can't help feel like I am being bullied. How can I regain my authority?

Dear Darren,
You need to promise me, that no matter how bad the bullying gets, you don't tell your mum and dad about it. They might seem like they want to help, but let's face it, they're probably the reason you're being bullied in the first place. (If only your dad hadn't insisted on picking you up from the school disco half an hour early, striding on to the dancefloor with the dog and calling for you loudly as you cowered in shame under the strobe lights.)

Once you let your parents in on it, it's only a matter of time before they're phoning the headmaster to complain, or worse, making your big sister walk you to school. As soon as you're out of sight of the house in the morning she’ll grab you by your tie and warn you through her teeth to walk at least 100 yards behind her, on pain of death.

If you want any hope of surviving this, you need to deal with it yourself. The best plan is to keep your head down and wait patiently until some other, more deserving loser comes along to divert the bullies' attention.
Hope that helps!

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Carter-Ruck To Sue Everyone

LAW firm Carter-Ruck is to send you a letter telling you to shut it right now or they will have your house.

The libel lawyers acted after thousands of bloggers and Twitter users ignored a legal bid to suppress information about their client Trafigura and its decision to hose down some Africans with a big boat full of shit.

The injunction, brought against the Guardian, was withdrawn last night after Trafigura and Carter-Ruck decided it would be more fun to try and intimidate everyone with a computer.

The injunctions will be posted later this week, although the firm have also threatened to sue every postman in Britain if strike action affects their delivery.

DHL will be used to deliver injunctions to the postmen, but if anyone from DHL looks at the addresses then it will be sued and its injunctions will be delivered by UPS who will also be sued and have its injunctions delivered by Federal Express.

Senior partner Denys Finch-Hatton, said: "I have taken advice from myself and will see absolutely everybody in court later this month. As a precaution, I have also taken out an injunction preventing you from telling anyone that I told you that I would see everybody in court and an injunction preventing you from telling anyone that I told you about the previous injunction. And so on."

He added: "As for Trafigura, our clients have stated consistently that they only ever intended to poison the west African coastline with 400 billion gallons of shit in a perfectly legal way."

Nikki Hollis, a Twitter from Grantham, said: "OMG Im going 2 b taken to the fkn cleaners! Nu shoes or legal advice – wat 2 do?!?"

Meanwhile Twitter's ability to reshape the democratic agenda was further underlined today with 'trending topics' including chocolate milk and paranormal activity, as well as a campaign demanding Lily Allen makes another album full of nursery-rhyme cock.