School Leavers Not Even Clever Enough To Work At Tesco, Says Tesco Boss

BRITAIN'S education system must be in a right old state if school leavers are not even qualified to work at Tesco, the boss of Tesco warned last night.

Sir Terry Leahy revealed how he was sick and tired of walking into one of his stores and seeing bananas displayed on the fish counter and groups of workers huddled around an oven-ready chicken, trying to work out what it is.

He said: "After about five minutes one of them will poke at it with a broom to see if it's still alive.

"Then another one will crouch down and apologise to it saying, 'sorry little guinea pig, we did not mean to hurt you', while someone else fetches a blanket, a pillow and a saucer of milk."

Sir Terry added: "Thanks to years of under-investment our schools are now turning out the sort of witless cretins who are fit only for B&Q."

But economist Julian Cook said: "While Sir Terry is right to be concerned, Tesco does actually depend on a pathetically bad education system to make sure people keep shopping there.

"You see, it works like this: The privately educated and those with postgraduate degrees shop at Waitrose; BAs, MAs and BScs shop at Sainsbury's; the skilled working class shop at Morrisons and then Tesco and Asda divvy up the troglodytes with half price offers on Albanian vodka and pizza made from chips."

He added: "Aldi and Lidl, meanwhile, are for highly educated people with a sense of irony who need something new to talk about at dinner parties.

"'Oh you must try their prosciutto, it's surprisingly fabulous and costs just 4p a tonne' – that sort of thing."

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God Found Earth Among Some Of His Other Stuff, Claims Expert

A NEW interpretation of the Bible suggests that God did not create the Earth, but stumbled upon it while looking for a magazine.

Dr Nathan Muir, a leading Hebrewologist, said the misunderstanding arose from the traditional translation of the word 'bara' which, he claims, does not mean 'to create' but to 'move the chest of drawers out a bit because it could easily have fallen down the back'.

He said: "Genesis clearly tells the story of God searching for an old copy of Omnipotent Digest that contained a picture of an otter giving a 'thumbs up' gesture.

"He had told one of His friends that it was very amusing and had promised to see if He couldn't dig it out.

"The passage goes on to describe how, while searching for the magazine, God found His spare set of van keys that He thought He'd lost ages ago, and then a blue-green ball thing that He considered taking outside for a kickabout before realising it was covered in tiny creatures."

Dr Muir admitted that it was still unclear how the Earth ended up in God's vast living room.

"It seems God lived in an infinitely massive shared house with three other supreme beings, and one of them may have left it lying around. The text reads, 'And God said lo, is this anyone's, because if it's not then I might have it, if that's alright."

But creationists have dismissed Dr Muir's interpretation, insisting any theory other than God constructing absolutely everything in six days, five and a half thousand years ago was 'dangerously unhinged'.

Rev Martin Bishop, of the First Church of the Immaculate Contraption, said: "The passage actually reads, 'And God did ask the beasts of the field, 'has anyone seen the magazine with the picture of that universe I created?'"