School Leavers Not Even Clever Enough To Work At Tesco, Says Tesco Boss

BRITAIN'S education system must be in a right old state if school leavers are not even qualified to work at Tesco, the boss of Tesco warned last night.

'Wake up little guinea pig'

Sir Terry Leahy revealed how he was sick and tired of walking into one of his stores and seeing bananas displayed on the fish counter and groups of workers huddled around an oven-ready chicken, trying to work out what it is.

He said: "After about five minutes one of them will poke at it with a broom to see if it's still alive.

"Then another one will crouch down and apologise to it saying, 'sorry little guinea pig, we did not mean to hurt you', while someone else fetches a blanket, a pillow and a saucer of milk."

Sir Terry added: "Thanks to years of under-investment our schools are now turning out the sort of witless cretins who are fit only for B&Q."

But economist Julian Cook said: "While Sir Terry is right to be concerned, Tesco does actually depend on a pathetically bad education system to make sure people keep shopping there.

"You see, it works like this: The privately educated and those with postgraduate degrees shop at Waitrose; BAs, MAs and BScs shop at Sainsbury's; the skilled working class shop at Morrisons and then Tesco and Asda divvy up the troglodytes with half price offers on Albanian vodka and pizza made from chips."

He added: "Aldi and Lidl, meanwhile, are for highly educated people with a sense of irony who need something new to talk about at dinner parties.

"'Oh you must try their prosciutto, it's surprisingly fabulous and costs just 4p a tonne' – that sort of thing."