Scientists Discover Tedious, Left-Wing Spider

SCIENTISTS have discovered the world's first Guardian-reading spider and are already bored of its never-ending torrent of opinions about everything.

The Monbiot spider is a vegetarian for socio-political reasons, spins a sustainable quantity of low-carbon web and believes Gordon Brown can still turn it around by next June.

Experts have revealed that instead of eating flies and having a proper job like everybody else, the creature organises community outreach projects and converts floating seeds and vegetable matter into pungent, inedible casseroles.

The study found that the spider also has lots of gay spider friends and bears distinctive markings that resemble a fair trade t-shirt from Sri Lanka.

Zoologist Dr Stephen Malley, said: "When we first came across it, it seemed to be hosting a poorly-attended seminar about women's rights and press freedom in the former Yugoslavia.

"We tracked it back to its lair where it started rubbing its hind legs together and making a noise that sounded a bit like Michael Stipe.

"We then tried poking it with a stick to get it angry but it just presented us with a tiny cup of camomile tea and gave us some literature about Darfur."

He added: "I have discovered some incredibly annoying animals in my time, but I have always appreciated that they are part of a wondrous eco-system. But there is just something about this spider that makes me really want to stamp on it over and over again."

The Monbiot spider exhibits similar behavioural patterns to the Communards beetle, discovered in California, whose intricate mating dance seems to be based on the 1986 version of Don't Leave Me This Way.

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Al Qaeda To Recruit Fatties

AL Qaeda is expected to focus its recruitment policy on ugly, fat people following the introduction of 'naked' airport scanners, it was claimed last night.

Security experts warned the terrorist fanatics will turn their attention to fast food outlets and attempt to radicalise vulnerable individuals with leaflets about how western values lead inevitably to more exercise and less cheese.

Julian Cook, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Al Qaeda has studied our culture very closely and it did not take them long to work out that we are all physically repelled by the thought of a naked fat person."

The new scanners are designed to expose concealed weapons and explosives but, the manufacturers admit, will also produce high definition images of mountainous folds, sweat-filled gutters and greasy flaps.

Roy Hobbs, a security officer at Heathrow, said: "If some 20-stone gargoyle waddles up to the machine, I'm just going to wave it through.

"I know it could be carrying a bomb or a gun or a knife and could either blow up the plane or hijack it before flying it into Canary Wharf and killing hundreds if not thousands of people, but I've got to sleep at night."

The police said the new scanners would help in the fight against terrorism, but stressed that as soon as anyone under the age of 16 passed through the machine, the airport staff member on duty would be arrested immediately and placed on the sex offenders' register.

Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, airport staff are expected to ask Victoria Beckham to just really, really promise that she is not carrying a bomb.