Voters To Hire Jimmy Conway From 'Goodfellas'

THE row over MPs' expenses escalated last night as voters across Britain agreed to hire Jimmy Conway from Goodfellas.

With MPs threatening to claim expenses for legal action over their expenses claims, voters said they would now bring in the New York-based consultant to recover their money through a series of intensive, face-to-face meetings.

Tom Logan, a taxpayer from Hatfield, said: "We've explained the situation to him and he seems to think it should all be fairly straightforward."

As a free sample, Mr Conway yesterday took a group of voters to the constituency office of Conservative MP Douglas Hogg, where he gave a brief demonstration of his working methods.

Grabbing a telephone cord and wrapping it tightly around Mr Hogg's neck, he said: "You got money for that fuckin' moat, but you don't got my fuckin' money, huh?  Get the money, you fuckin' cocksucker, you hear me?"

A clearly distressed Mr Hogg appealed to the group of voters, adding: "I've been good to you, you've been good to me. But there's something really unreasonable going on here.

"Jimmy's being an unconscionable ball-breaker. I never agreed to three points on top of the vig. Am I something special? Some sort of schmuck on wheels?"

Steadily tightening the cord, Mr Conway insisted: "Gimme the fuckin' money, You hear me? You hear me? I gotta come here and you bust my balls? Gimme the fuckin' money. Gimme the fuckin' money. Gimme the fuckin' money."

An exhausted Mr Hogg then agreed to pay the outstanding amount in full as the group of voters thanked Mr Conway with a brief round of applause.

The goodfellow said his commission would be 10%, payable on completion, and that for particularly stubborn MPs he would bring in his associate Tommy DeVito.

Mr Conway added: "Hopefully one of your MPs will tell him he's funny. He loves that."

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

NHS Stands By Decision To Employ Bats

NHS officials have defended their decision to employ thousands of bats at a Scottish hospital.

The bats were brought into Ninewells Hospital in Dundee after unseasonably large numbers of common pests like moths, lizards, ants, cockroaches and bantams were spotted in general medical wards and specialist outpatient departments.

Facilities manager Bill McKay said: "We had a dreadful problem with moths in the operating theatre, buzzing around the light fittings and falling into patient's chest cavities or getting lodged in their throats.

"The bats have made a real difference. It's just the hornets we need to take care of now, but the bats won't go near them."

The Ninewells bat strategy is part of a UK-wide NHS initiative to reduce ward-based vermin levels to 420 per patient by 2011.

McKay added: "Initially we discovered a colony of pharaoh ants that were thriving off all the blood on the floor in A&E. To get rid of them properly would have cost something in the region of £100 so we had to start thinking outside the box.

"We simply transferred a load of giant dung beetles from radiography and they were gone in no time.

"What we didn't realise is that the beetles loved to crawl up patients' trousers and lay eggs in their genitals, so of course, they had to go. So that explains, to some extent, the disproportionate number of chameleons in there at the moment."

McKay has assured patients the bats and chameleons are a necessary measure to rid the hospital of pests, but insisted an end is in sight: "As you get further and further up the food chain, the less predators are required to keep numbers in check. For example, we envisage only needing two alligators to deal with the nuisance water buffalo in the canteen."