England Defeat Doesn't Count If No-One Sees It, Claims Capello

ENGLAND'S 1-0 defeat to Ukraine did not happen because no-one saw it, Fabio Capello insisted last night.

With millions not watching the game on the internet, the England coach said that there was nothing to see anyway and therefore England could not possibly have lost.

Cambridge philosopher Tom Logan agreed with Capello's assessment, insisting: "This is the age-old problem of subjective idealism which continues to divide the metaphysical community. Namely – can an England defeat exist without being perceived?"

He added: "Indeed, if a Rio Ferdinand falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

"And come to think of it, does it even know that it's fallen over unless someone is there to shout 'Rio, you've fallen over again, try standing up'?"

Capello said: "I suppose it's a bit like pulling a minger on holiday – if your mates aren't there, it sort of doesn't count. Much the same as taking a shit in an alleyway at three o'clock in the morning."

But people who did see the match and insist it really happened said England's defeat stemmed from a defensive lapse by Ferdinand after he tried to gather up the 'fizzy Christmas lights' being thrown on to the pitch.

England fan Roy Hobbs said: "At first he was just chasing them and then he decided to pick one up. He stared at it for ages. Maybe he thought there was fairy inside it."

Meanwhile England have a depleted squad for Wednesday's game against Belarus, due to a combination of injury, suspension and preferring to stay in and watch Jason Statham DVDs.

Capello added: "We may as well be playing Wales."

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Brown To Sell Pathetic, Home-Made Wooden Things

GORDON Brown has unveiled his plan to slash Britain's deficit by making lots of pathetic little wooden things and then selling them from a table outside his house.

The prime minister has already made what he insists is a hedgehog out of an old brush head and some twigs he found in the back garden.

Mr Brown said: "I've used little black buttons for the eyes. They're a bit wonky but I think it gives him character. He's yours for £2.5bn.

"Let's see, what else do we have? There's a toy submarine that I made from some acorns held together with Blu-Tack, that's £800m. And there's also this little box made from bits of other boxes where you can keep odd cuff-links and old padlock keys, just in case.

"I'll tell you what, I can let you have the cuff-link box and the acorn submarine for £1.2bn. I must be out of my mind."

He added: "I'm also selling some old bits and bobs I had lying around the house. I've got a Ronco Buttoneer – very useful – a bag full of elastic bands, a plastic cup and this rather exotic looking thing called URENCO which, apparently, stands for the Uranium Enrichment Company. I'm not sure what it does, but I'm sure somebody will find a use for it.

"This? Well this is actually an owl made from corn-on-the-cob. It is, it's just a very special kind of owl that doesn't really look like an owl. Please buy something."

Economists said the Downing Street wooden knick-knack and car boot sale was unlikely to have a significant impact on the public finances, mainly because most of it was rubbish, apart from the Buttoneer.

A Downing Street spokesman said: "It has been fairly quiet so far this morning, though we have had a few inquiries about URENCO from some angry, heavily-bearded men with mad, staring eyes."