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England Defeat Doesn't Count If No-One Sees It, Claims Capello

ENGLAND'S 1-0 defeat to Ukraine did not happen because no-one saw it, Fabio Capello insisted last night.

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Brown To Sell Pathetic, Home-Made Wooden Things

GORDON Brown has unveiled his plan to slash Britain's deficit by making lots of pathetic little wooden things and then selling them from a table outside his house.

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