ENGLAND'S 1-0 defeat to Ukraine did not happen because no-one saw it, Fabio Capello insisted last night.
With millions not watching the game on the internet, the England coach said that there was nothing to see anyway and therefore England could not possibly have lost.
Cambridge philosopher Tom Logan agreed with Capello's assessment, insisting: "This is the age-old problem of subjective idealism which continues to divide the metaphysical community. Namely – can an England defeat exist without being perceived?"
He added: "Indeed, if a Rio Ferdinand falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
"And come to think of it, does it even know that it's fallen over unless someone is there to shout 'Rio, you've fallen over again, try standing up'?"
Capello said: "I suppose it's a bit like pulling a minger on holiday – if your mates aren't there, it sort of doesn't count. Much the same as taking a shit in an alleyway at three o'clock in the morning."
But people who did see the match and insist it really happened said England's defeat stemmed from a defensive lapse by Ferdinand after he tried to gather up the 'fizzy Christmas lights' being thrown on to the pitch.
England fan Roy Hobbs said: "At first he was just chasing them and then he decided to pick one up. He stared at it for ages. Maybe he thought there was fairy inside it."
Meanwhile England have a depleted squad for Wednesday's game against Belarus, due to a combination of injury, suspension and preferring to stay in and watch Jason Statham DVDs.
Capello added: "We may as well be playing Wales."