Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I'm 29 and still a virgin. It's not through lack of trying – I'd dearly love to get my kicks from something more interactive than a poster of Hugh Grant and an Oral-B 500, but I simply can't pluck up the courage to talk to a real man. Every time I get chatted up I get all nervous and start looking for the nearest exit. How can I learn to keep my cool and hold a conversation with the opposite sex?

Dear Isobel,
First of all, I am very glad to hear you are looking after your teeth. As for boys, if you ask me you're better off not associating with them at all. Unless, of course, you like the idea of rating the sound and smell of your own pumps, or sliding across highly polished floors on your knees for hours, or making rude sounds by cupping your hand under your armpit. Anyone who derives pleasure from collecting conkers and marbles and dried dog poops for no apparent reason does not possess the higher brain functions and will only try to look up your skirt or show you their tinkle the moment you try to initiate any kind of intellectual conversation. My advice is to steer clear of boys completely and instead hone your social skills with a nice teddy bears' tea party.
Hope that helps!

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New fathers reluctant to spend time with constantly screeching bag of shit

NEW fathers are failing to use their legal entitlement to paternity leave because they do not want to spend all day with a noisy shit fountain, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies found that more than 50% of fathers were reluctant to take time off insisting they wanted to keep their work-life balance firmly on the work side because it was relatively quiet and had a more bearable stench.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “There are issues surrounding paternity pay and the ability to maintain one’s career momentum but mainly it’s the colossal amounts of shit and piss and a wife that wants you dead.”

Tom Logan, from Doncaster said: “My employer has been incredibly supportive and has assured me that I could take all the time off I needed. But I said, no, absolutely not, no way, there is absolutely no fucking way that is happening.”

He added: “I would love to be at home with my wife and child, but at this stage it is absolutely vital that I get as much time as I need to bond with my desk.”

Roy Hobbs, the father of a three week-old piss machine from Hatfield, said: “I do want to spend quality time with my child which is why I have arranged to have lunch with him as soon as he graduates from university.”