Gay Bike Will Help Children Learn To Fight

THE Gaytrack 400, the gayest-looking boys' bike ever, will help children to gain valuable self-defence skills, the manufactuers have claimed.

The Gaytrack 400 comes in luminous pink, has no gears and a handlebar-mounted voice synthesiser that periodically says 'I am the biggest gaylord ever times infinity', in the voice of John Barrowman.

Gaytrack inventor Charles Hopkins said: "I was bullied at school, but I learned to fight back and ultimately emerged as a hard, sadistic bastard with the emotional capacity of a soup spoon. I designed Gaytrack 400 to give my 10-year-old son the same opportunities.

"Within a day of me making him ride it into school at gunpoint he'd had a kicking, a bogwash, and there was a rumour going round that he had sex with male baby rabbits."

He added: "A year later his self-defence skills and general aggression had improved so drastically that he was spending his half-terms working as a mercenary in Sierra Leone."

Gaytrack's special features include a mechanism that ensures a guaranteed wheelie failure whenever there are girls around, making the user fall off and cry so hard that a teacher has to call his mum.

Hopkins is now working on a similar bike for girls, under the working title of the 'Unpopularotron'.

He said, "It comes in a variety of unfashionable colours, weighs the same as a village and will gossip to the cool girls about how its owner got fingered by Matty Drayton round the back of the CDT block in return for a packet of Starburst."

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Racists Undermining Army's Mission To Kill Brown People

RACISTS are damaging the reputation of the British Army and undermining its mission to kill brown people, it was claimed last night.

A group of senior generals has written to the Times accusing the British National Party of 'hijacking the good name of the military' and insisting the BNP's extremist values are at odds with the Army's values of thinking up funny names for foreigners and flattening their houses with a tank.

The letter, signed by Sir Alfie Allendale, Sir Binky Beaver, Sir Chippy Chappell and Sir Dandy Dinmont, stated: "The Army has a proud tradition of interacting with all manner of brown people before persuading them to give up their land while dealing sensitively with their concerns by shooting them fairly and squarely in the middle of the face."

It added: "To suggest Britain's unquestioning pride in its army and nostalgia for the empire it so brutally maintained somehow contributed to the mentality that created organisations like the BNP is so completely ludicrous that it must never be discussed in any way, shape or form."

Major Nathan Muir, deputy director of inter-racial harmony at the Ministry of Defence, said: "The vast majority of Britain's soldiers are proud and enthusiastic multi-culturalists.

"I have lost count of the number of young privates who have told me that when they leave the service they want to work for the Equality and Human Rights Commission helping Bangladeshi women to fill in benefit forms."

Captain Stephen Malley, currently based in Helmand province, said: "At the end of a hard day in the field my men like nothing more than to crack open a bottle of Cloudy Bay and discuss their favourite Guardian columnists.

"Wee Jimmy Jamieson is a big fan of Polly Toynbee, though he does say she can be a bit too reactionary at times, while Sergeant Major Douglas has a beautiful signed poster of George Monbiot on the inside of his locker."

He added: "Just last week, as we went into action, Jimmy shouted 'alright lads, this one's for Shami Chakrabati!'"