THE Gaytrack 400, the gayest-looking boys' bike ever, will help children to gain valuable self-defence skills, the manufactuers have claimed.
The Gaytrack 400 comes in luminous pink, has no gears and a handlebar-mounted voice synthesiser that periodically says 'I am the biggest gaylord ever times infinity', in the voice of John Barrowman.
Gaytrack inventor Charles Hopkins said: "I was bullied at school, but I learned to fight back and ultimately emerged as a hard, sadistic bastard with the emotional capacity of a soup spoon. I designed Gaytrack 400 to give my 10-year-old son the same opportunities.
"Within a day of me making him ride it into school at gunpoint he'd had a kicking, a bogwash, and there was a rumour going round that he had sex with male baby rabbits."
He added: "A year later his self-defence skills and general aggression had improved so drastically that he was spending his half-terms working as a mercenary in Sierra Leone."
Gaytrack's special features include a mechanism that ensures a guaranteed wheelie failure whenever there are girls around, making the user fall off and cry so hard that a teacher has to call his mum.
Hopkins is now working on a similar bike for girls, under the working title of the 'Unpopularotron'.
He said, "It comes in a variety of unfashionable colours, weighs the same as a village and will gossip to the cool girls about how its owner got fingered by Matty Drayton round the back of the CDT block in return for a packet of Starburst."