Man Describes How He Survived Barrier Reef Minogue Attack

A BRITISH tourist last night described the moment he was attacked by Danni Minogue while diving off the coast of Northern Australia.

Wayne Hayes, 23, from Peterborough, was spending a weekend snorkelling in the Great Barrier Reef as part of his year-long effort to avoid getting a job, when the small but powerful Minogue sank its teeth into his right leg.

He said: "I was poking at a venomous fish and Gibbo, my diving instructor, was pretending to wank a sea-cucumber, when I saw this dark shadow moving out of the corner of my eye.

"I thought it was a Conger eel but then I noticed it's badly co-ordinated outfit. My blood just froze, – I knew it was Dannii Minogue.

"I looked across at Gibbo and we both immediately realised we weren't going to get out of this without at least getting taken down a peg or two, or accused of being benders."

Mr Hayes added: "I readied myself for the attack as best I could. I knew from TV programmes that it would probably just regurgitate whatever Louis Walsh had said, but nothing could prepare me for what happened next.

"I remember everything going into slow motion. I felt this tug on my leg and I tried to kick it in the snout. The sea turned red and I saw part of my calf muscle had been ripped off. I was losing a lot of blood and going into shock."

The diver and instructor eventually managed to climb aboard their boat where they raised the alarm and were airlifted to a local hospital. Mr Hayes said: "When we span Mother Nature's boundaries we must come face to face with the terrifying beauty of death. The sea is Dannii's territory."

The Dannii Minogue is a bottom-feeder usually found in the colder waters of the English coast, where it feeds on the bottoms of terrible singers with low self-esteem.

Marine zoologist Tom Logan said: "The Dannii can be distinguished from its more amicable sister by its cold, calculating expression and utterly infuriating voice. Whilst it's not unattractive per se, the fact that it's such a cow makes it about as endearing as a gang of Nazi wasps."

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Benitez Blames Freak Goal On Giant Invisible Nudists

LIVERPOOL coach Rafael Benitez has blamed Sunderland's deflected goal on Chippy and Lyndsey, two nude invisible giants who, he claims, will do anything to thwart his happiness.

Darren Bent's fifth minute shot struck a giant beach ball Benitez believes to have been dropped by his 60-foot tall enemies during one of their naked frolics.

He said: "I have been plagued by gigantic seaside paraphernalia for months, but you all pretend not to notice.

"When Bent's shot went in I shouted, 'See? I am not crazy. Now apologise to me and my seahorse'."

Describing Chippy and Lyndsey as '10 times taller than humans and 20 times taller than Sammy Lee', he added: "They interfere with my team selections, they bribe referees and they are painted bright orange from head to foot."

An FA spokesman said: "Mr Benitez started raving to us about Chippy and Lyndsey so we sat him in a side-room with a cuppa until somebody from Liverpool could come and get him.

"It's terrible they let him out on his own like that."

Benitez's hallucinations have worsened steadily since arriving at Liverpool in 2004 sporting an imaginary falcon on his arm and insisting everybody address him as 'Senor Cheeks'.

He immediately promised to rid Anfield of the vampire, cat-faced cockroaches that were infesting the changing rooms and after unveiling Fernando Torres in 2007, he went on to introduce Sammy Davis Jr and Secret Squirrel, whom he also believed he had signed.

Club captain Stephen Gerrard said: "It's getting worse every week. After the Sunderland game he told us we could still win the league. Me and the lads all agree that he now needs a series of powerful electric shocks to the brain."