Man Describes How He Survived Barrier Reef Minogue Attack

A BRITISH tourist last night described the moment he was attacked by Danni Minogue while diving off the coast of Northern Australia.

Life guards are on constant Minogue-watch

Wayne Hayes, 23, from Peterborough, was spending a weekend snorkelling in the Great Barrier Reef as part of his year-long effort to avoid getting a job, when the small but powerful Minogue sank its teeth into his right leg.

He said: "I was poking at a venomous fish and Gibbo, my diving instructor, was pretending to wank a sea-cucumber, when I saw this dark shadow moving out of the corner of my eye.

"I thought it was a Conger eel but then I noticed it's badly co-ordinated outfit. My blood just froze, – I knew it was Dannii Minogue.

"I looked across at Gibbo and we both immediately realised we weren't going to get out of this without at least getting taken down a peg or two, or accused of being benders."

Mr Hayes added: "I readied myself for the attack as best I could. I knew from TV programmes that it would probably just regurgitate whatever Louis Walsh had said, but nothing could prepare me for what happened next.

"I remember everything going into slow motion. I felt this tug on my leg and I tried to kick it in the snout. The sea turned red and I saw part of my calf muscle had been ripped off. I was losing a lot of blood and going into shock."

The diver and instructor eventually managed to climb aboard their boat where they raised the alarm and were airlifted to a local hospital. Mr Hayes said: "When we span Mother Nature's boundaries we must come face to face with the terrifying beauty of death. The sea is Dannii's territory."

The Dannii Minogue is a bottom-feeder usually found in the colder waters of the English coast, where it feeds on the bottoms of terrible singers with low self-esteem.

Marine zoologist Tom Logan said: "The Dannii can be distinguished from its more amicable sister by its cold, calculating expression and utterly infuriating voice. Whilst it's not unattractive per se, the fact that it's such a cow makes it about as endearing as a gang of Nazi wasps."