Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly

I feel terrible, having got unbelievably hammered, done a shameful sexy dance on a table and told everyone exactly what I think of them. I even assaulted someone. I’ll never be allowed back to the annual church garden fete. How can I undo this embarrassing social indiscretion and make it up to the vicar for breaking his jaw in three places?


Market Deeping

Dear Betty,

That sounds like the time Heather Pickles ate too many Sherbet Dib Dabs at playtime and shat in the art cupboard. Aside from the fact that she ruined a perfectly good pile of crepe paper, she also got skidmarks on our class Olympics frieze, and we had to completely re-do Chris Hoy’s face. Heather was sent to the headmaster’s office in lost property underpants; the entire class was forced to ruthlessly bully her for the rest of the term; and now she has an anxiety attack at the mere mention of liquorice.

Hope that helps!


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week, why not turn up to a local council meeting and insist the park keeper does something about whoever keeps defecating in the bins before heading off to crimp off a couple of pounds of soil into the one by the bandstand?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re proud of the fact you can take it on the chin but the director repeatedly told you he wanted it in your hair.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you. And say “I ordered this without ketchup, dickhead.”

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve never liked people invading your personal space and it’s just unfortunate that you’ve come to define that as ‘within 200 yards of the bedsit’.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A busy week for you as you frantically cobble together an NHS risk report you’ve been telling everyone they can’t see because you’ve not actually written it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your heart is telling you that he’s the one but your head is telling you it’ll never work. Your liver, meanwhile, is telling you that if you don’t get a pint of value vodka down your neck in the next half hour it’s going into shock.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
One in the eye for your GP when he says you’re not doing any exercise and you point out your exertions denting cans in Asda to get them discounted.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Make life on public transport that little bit more exciting by leaning across to the person next to you and whispering “Any last requests?”

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Ebooks are a revolution allowing new authors to access an audience otherwise denied to them by the traditional publishing industry. And, y’know, a chance for deluded numbnuts like you to upload their PDF onto Amazon to the delight of precisely no-­one.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you fail to impress your cineaste friends by pointing out that ‘Battleship’ isn’t the first film based on a board game, arguing furiously that ‘Downfall’ was actually based on that one with the coins and the dials.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You sometimes see the world in black and white but you’ve had that telly for forty years and there’s nothing wrong with it.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your television debut sees the family crowd around the TV at 3am to watch you dry hump a Nokia on Babestation.