DOCTORS who refuse to work weekends will have them ruined by tedious family occasions, under new NHS plans.
As statistics show that mortality rates are higher on Saturdays, health chiefs have begun paying doctors’ relatives to organise dreadful-yet-unavoidable social events that will make medics want to work weekends.
An NHS spokesman said: “Consultants may feel differently about their precious weekends if they suddenly become worse than touching sick people, ie their partner’s parents are coming to visit from Friday to Sunday.
“Faced with the prospect of spending a day making awkward conversation with in-laws as they loll around in chairs making slyly critical remarks about the wallpaper, even the most reluctant GP will be fleeing into the arms of the unwell.”
Consultant Tom Logan said: “I work hard in the week so I value my weekends. Or at least I did until my diary was suddenly mysteriously full of relative-based tedium.
“It seems I’ve got my wife’s parents down most weekends – and her father thinks he fucking knows everything about everything – while the rest are filled with the weddings of distant cousins.
“Apparently my wife’s brother Gary is having some all-day birthday party next Saturday, which involves hill walking and a brass band recital. I don’t really like him either, he smells of stale bread, and I think he hits his dog.
“Clearly I would rather spend my time in the company of people with infectious diseases.”
Tom Logan’s wife’s brother Gary said: “The man from the NHS paid me £5000 to pretend it was my birthday and to ensure that the celebrations took up an entire weekend, with expensive hotel accommodation and a trip to a war museum.
“I don’t even like Tom Logan, I suspect he cheated on my sister in 1973, but I like the idea that he won’t enjoy himself.”