NHS hires doctors' relatives to ruin their weekends

DOCTORS who refuse to work weekends will have them ruined by tedious family occasions, under new NHS plans.

As statistics show that mortality rates are higher on Saturdays, health chiefs have begun paying doctors’ relatives to organise dreadful-yet-unavoidable social events that will make medics want to work weekends.

An NHS spokesman said: “Consultants may feel differently about their precious weekends if they suddenly become worse than touching sick people, ie their partner’s parents are coming to visit from Friday to Sunday.

“Faced with the prospect of spending a day making awkward conversation with in-laws as they loll around in chairs making slyly critical remarks about the wallpaper, even the most reluctant GP will be fleeing into the arms of the unwell.”

Consultant Tom Logan said: “I work hard in the week so I value my weekends. Or at least I did until my diary was suddenly mysteriously full of relative-based tedium.

“It seems I’ve got my wife’s parents down most weekends – and her father thinks he fucking knows everything about everything – while the rest are filled with the weddings of distant cousins.

“Apparently my wife’s brother Gary is having some all-day birthday party next Saturday, which involves hill walking and a brass band recital. I don’t really like him either, he smells of stale bread, and I think he hits his dog.

“Clearly I would rather spend my time in the company of people with infectious diseases.”

Tom Logan’s wife’s brother Gary said: “The man from the NHS paid me £5000 to pretend it was my birthday and to ensure that the celebrations took up an entire weekend, with expensive hotel accommodation and a trip to a war museum.

“I don’t even like Tom Logan, I suspect he cheated on my sister in 1973, but I like the idea that he won’t enjoy himself.”



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Clegg and Cameron had fingers crossed

THE last two years of government don’t count because the coalition didn’t ‘Simon says’, according to David Cameron.

As the coalition launched its Right, Let’s Try That Again campaign, the prime minister has confirmed that they had just been warming up for the first half of their term and will do proper government stuff as of now, or possibly next week depending on how the Lords Reform Bill goes.

David Cameron said: “Having to carry Nick around for the last two years making sure he doesn’t touch any sockets has been like the longest ever ‘take your child to school day’ so that’s got to give us at least six months’ worth of do-­over.

“Basically we mean everything we say as of…now. Nick, please, be quiet. Okay…now.”

The launch took place in an Essex tractor factory, with Cameron managing not to look disgusted as he answered a wide range of questions from the assembled commoners while Clegg rode around on a digger with a gleeful expression.

The government is trying to reconnect with an electorate that recently chose stuffed animals and other household objects over Tory candidates. It has promised that for the next two years it will stop mucking about and try really, really hard to hand in some finished work that didn’t sound utterly deranged.

Cameron acknowledged that difficult decisions lay ahead but made a firm promise to tackle that huge pile of papers by the fax machine first, so they could then look at all the unanswered phone messages received since 2010.

He added “What most people don’t realise is that it takes about three months to work out how to use the coffee machine and twice that to get your swipe card for the printer.”