Al Qaeda 'getting its ideas from Viz'

AN underpants-based terror plot has fuelled speculation that Al Qaeda is being inspired by adult humour comic Viz.

CIA operatives in Yemen have seized a crude underwear bomb, a device which they believe was based on the comic strip Felix and His Amazing Underpants.

Agent Tom Logan said: “We know that Bin Laden was a Viz subscriber. In fact that’s how we finally located him, by getting his address from their mailing list.

“His favourite characters were Biffa Bacon and Sid the Sexist. Bin Laden regularly wrote in to Top Tips but never got one published, a source of deep disappointment that fuelled his animosity towards the West.”

Following the latest underpants-based plot agents are scouring Viz back issues for clues to possible future attacks.

Tom Logan said: “Johnny Fartpants is interesting, we know Al Qaeda likes underwear stuff and his farts could easily be replaced by nerve gas. So that’s a possible technique.

“We’ve also told agents to be alert to highly-sexed obese, inexplicably bearded ‘women’ referring to themselves as ‘San’ and ‘Tray’ in thinly-veiled Middle Eastern accents and asking if they can take them to the Pentagon for a shag.”

During a 2011 raid on a cave in the Arabian Peninsula, a shoddy-looking robot vaguely resembling the character Tinribs was discovered.

Basically a small crate on wheels with a smiley face on a stick, the machine featured a voicebox taken from a child’s doll and adapted to say ‘Death to the infidel’.

 

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Will I Am blasted for making risotto during 'The Voice'

TALENT coach Will I Am has been upbraided by producers of BBC1’s The Voice after being filmed preparing a meal of prawn risotto during a live sing-off.

The Black Eye Peas producer shocked audiences of the Saturday evening singing competition when he was shown frying vegetables on a portable hob during a heartfelt rendition of the John Legend song Ordinary People.

A show insider said: “Having already spoken to Will about texting, making shopping lists and general indifference, we were less than pleased when he turned up on Saturday with a gas stove, utensils and two full Waitrose bags.

“While one of Sir Tom’s acts was performing the camera cut away to Will, who clearly had a chopping board on his lap and was slicing onions.

“Will’s dinner preparations continued into the judging segment, during which he was frying ingredients while periodically looking up and saying ‘You’re amazing man, your voice is like wow’ or ‘Popular music is never gonna be the same again’.”

Will I Am’s spokesman said: “Will is 1000% focused on his acts but he likes to inspire them by demonstrating how it’s possible to do a number of things at once and still be in the zone.

“He apologises if anyone found his behaviour distracting but when you’re making that kind of rice dish you have to keep stirring to get the consistency on point.”

Audience member Emma Bradford said: “At one point Will turned on a portable radio at low volume and was listening to a Radio 4 play while repeatedly tasting his meal and seasoning accordingly.

“I must admit it smelled pretty good. I think I saw him add some tarragon, which was an unusual touch.

“However he didn’t share his food with the audience. Just scoffed the lot, typical greedy American.”