Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I've been big-boned all my life and no matter how hard I try, I simply cannot shift the pounds. I've started reading women's magazines in the hope that their pervasive and sinister message will somehow filter into my psyche and stop me from being so repulsive. If that doesn't work I might even have to consider reducing my vast daily intake of steak flavour McCoys, or even try to walk to the chip shop of an evening. Is it because of my genes?

Dear Jane,
According to my granny, before the Second World War there was no such thing as fat people, and the only available nourishment was the national anthem. While the British men were off fighting Rudolf Hitler, their wives were left behind with nothing to do but listen to the wireless and lick gravy off each other's stomachs. So when the American soldiers arrived at the end of the war, the British ladies were desperately bored and hungry and willing to do naughty things in exchange for calories. Soon traditional meals such as pease pudding and powdered cheese were replaced by good things like Kentucky Fried Chicken and Vienetta and by the time Robert Louis Stevenson invented the television in 1984, people were stuck to their sofas with ice cream all round their mouths and with a load of jelly in a bucket sat next to their toilets. But all that is starting to change now that Jamie Oliver wants to make everyone thin in time for the Olympics, starting with Opera Winfrey and one of those women from the television called Fern.
I know that Jamie doesn't have time to go to everyone's school but what I can tell you is that while McCoys are very god crisps they will make your genes much fatter. Try Wotsits and running around for no reason during playtime.
Hope that helps!


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Post Arriving 'Later Than Ever And Covered In Semen'

ROYAL Mail deliveries are arriving later than ever, and frequently drenched in semen, it was claimed yesterday.

New figures show that up to 44% of letters are arriving after 3pm and sodden with reproductive fluid of uncertain origin.

Business owner, Bill  McKay, said: "Every day I rely on Royal Mail to deliver important documents safely and securely. Last week a client in China received some contracts which were completely welded together with jism which I know wasn't mine.

"How am I supposed to explain that? I certainly don't know the Mandarin word for 'cum'. It makes me look like a total amateur."

Housewife Nikki Hollis said: "Our post used to arrive at 8am, then it was 10am, then it was midday, then it was midday and with spunk on it. If that's not falling standards I don't know what is."

A spokesman for the Communication Workers' Union said: "There are managers on 250K a year whose offices are completely coated in sperm. You can't even see out of the windows.

"But if our members get, for example, a small amount of bodily fluid on someone's Amazon order, they are instantly scapegoated."

Describing the findings as 'disappointing' a Royal Mail spokesman said: "We work hard to ensure that mail arrives promptly and uncontaminated by seminal fluid.

"However, the reality is that sometimes we could do better and customers whose mail is arriving with stray ejaculate on it have every right to feel aggrieved

"While we are working with staff to ensure tighter controls on their juices, a claim can be made on completion of form J146H 'Damaged or Semen-Affected Letters and Parcels' which is available behind the counter at your local branch."