Mills Thought Stu Sutcliffe Was The Best Beatle, Says Nanny

HEATHER Mills considered Stu Sutcliffe standing with his back to the audience in a Hamburg strip club in order to hide his inability to play the guitar as the high point of the Beatles' career, an employment tribunal heard yesterday.

Sara Trumble, Mills former nanny, painted the picture of an increasingly unstable employer who would spend hours explaining why Gerry and The Pacemakers were actually the better Merseybeat group.

Trumble said: "While she could often be a kind and compassionate person, most of the time she was a swivel-eyed fruitbasket who was convinced Mossad were bugging her sock drawer.

"She would insist that had it not been for Stu Sutcliffe's greasy quiff, Paul McCartney would have been killed by werewolves in 1963 instead of in a secret car crash on the way home from Jane Asher's house in 1966."

She added: "And her explanation about how her dismissal from Dancing On Ice was linked to 9/11 was like watching Joe Pesci's turn in JFK, but with a less convincing wig."

The tribunal heard how during her marriage to Sir Paul McCatney Mills became increasingly obsessed with the lesser Beatles including Sutcliffe, Pete Best and Ringo Starr.

Trumble said: "She would continually insist that Ringo had to perform a lot of bass lines on the White Album because they were too complicated for Paul and that Octopus's Garden made Yesterday sound like a 'big, fat shite hitting a bucket of sick'."

Mills, who now claims she is pregnant to a Thomsons gazelle she met at a PETA fundraising dinner, denies constructive dismissal, claiming to have given Trumble four of her kidneys, a magical trumpet and the most beautiful corner of her soul.

 

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Millions Shocked As Twisted Ankle Reveals Desolate, Howling Void At Centre Of Their Wretched Lives

MILLIONS of people across England were last night struck by the horrific realisation that Wayne Rooney's ankle health could influence their emotional well-being.

As the Manchester United and England striker was helped from the pitch during the Champions' League quarter-final against Bayern Munich, men and women with jobs and houses found themselves consoling each other and expressing opinions abut the potential consequences of what had happened.

Martin Bishop, a supporter of the England football team, said: "I'm not pretending to care about this. I'm not that pathetic.

"As I watched Wayne Rooney hobbling off the pitch I realised that the success or failure of this gut-wrenchingly over-compensated little man genuinely meant something to me.

"Like the first pangs of a massive vomit, I realised that if England lose a football match this summer it will make me very sad. I won't be following the herd or succumbing to mass psychosis, I will be sad because my country – whatever that means – has failed to defeat another country at a thing that is for the most part about millionaires making more money to spend on whores. And so that's why I have decided to kill myself."

He added: "And as a way of atoning for the dreary and deliberately worthless life I have led, I'm going to use a pitchfork and a see-saw."

Meanwhile, as tabloid newspaper The Sun urged the nation to 'pray' for Rooney, many of the people who work at The Sun reached into their desk drawer for the bottle of pure alcohol and methadone which transports them to a magical kingdom full of proper jobs and self-respect.

Nathan Muir, a sports sub-editor, said: "I tell my children I work in a kitten abattoir."

Tom Logan, who derives genuine happiness from the success of both England and Manchester United, added: "It was like I was able to move outside of my own body and then look back in. And all I could see was an empty desert in the middle of the night being battered by a constant and ferocious wind.

"I think I'm going to stare out to sea for a long time and then begin the slow process of becoming an actual human being."