Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Having been on the dole since I left school in 1976, I’m suddenly finding the long lie-ins rather tiresome and feel like a career change. However, I’m not really sure which path to take. I think I might make a good heart surgeon, or perhaps a lecturer in astro-physics; as long as it keeps me in fags and cake I’m not overly fussed. What would you suggest?

Dear Isobel,
Yesterday I went to my daddy’s office for ‘take your daughter to work day’. There were loads of fat, old ladies there who sat about in swivelly chairs eating biscuits and talking about Grey’s Anatomy and how much they hated other ladies in the office. Sometimes they typed things on a computer, but most of the time they just ate biscuits. It must be very boring going to work because no-one gets to do any jigsaw puzzles. Plus all the paper is plain white and the pens are all black so I don’t know how they can make any pretty pictures to take home to their families. My daddy said that grown-ups have to go to work so that they can earn a living, but I’m sure there must be more fun ways to make money. A girl in the class above me called Claudia lets all the boys see up her skirt in return for crisps and a go on their BMX bikes. Once, Claudia did a poo in an ice-cream tub and charged all the other girls and boys 20p each to see it and with the proceeds she was able to buy a significant quantity of pick ‘n’ mix. Claudia obviously has a head for business, and so perhaps you should follow her example when you’re thinking about your next career move.
Hope that helps!

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Britney To Be Frozen Until Pop Standards Collapse

BRITNEY Spears is to be frozen in a tube until pop standards decline sufficiently for her to relaunch her career, it was confirmed last night.

The star’s management took the decision after experts said chart music quality will continue on a downward trajectory relaltive to Spears, before bottoming out in 2569.

A spokesman said: “To many 563 years may seem like a very short space of time, but she’s really not that bad.”

Musicologist Dr Julian Cook explained: “By 2569 popular music will have degenerated to the extent that the Academy of St Martin in the Fields will take down its portrait of Schubert to make way for a poster of Dappy from N-Dubz.

“The biggest-selling track will be a recording of dead mammals being dropped by a ginger child into a huge steel container, probably entitled Bonk or Beach Tits.”

He added: “Meanwhile the educated cultural elite will flock to elegant concert halls to hear renditions of Sisquo’s Thong Song performed by a collective of muscular dwarves in bondage gear.

“TV talent shows will also continue to be a prime source of musical degradation, particularly Britain’s Got The Ability To Press The Demo Button On A Keyboard and The Vaginal Flute Factor. Thus I predict moderate success for a defrosted Britney, if she can stay off the sauce.”

However, those close to Britney are concerned about similar plans by the singer’s ex-husband, who has named himself ‘K-Fed’ after an obscure budget supermarket chain.

An insider said: “Britney is terrified that K-Fed will emerge from a deep freeze in 600 years time clutching a now-archaic sex tape.

“However experts have reassured her that by then pornography will be so ubiquitous that slobbery blowjobs will be a type of formal greeting considered obligatory even in high-level business meetings.”