Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’m the only girl in my office and I am starting to feel like the rest of my colleagues are objectifying me and making lewd comments behind my back. The other day, I went to fetch a flip chart for a meeting and discovered a crude drawing of a naked lady being interfered with by several stick men and a cartoon dog. When I confronted my colleagues, they said I had wildly misinterpreted their drawing, which was actually a Venn diagram to show the workflow process in multiple departments for the upcoming financial year. Upon closer inspection, I realised my mistake. Do you think this has something to do with PMT?

Dear Erica,
You think the boys in your office are bad? I have to spend considerable amounts of my time with boys who haven’t even learned to tie their shoelaces yet, let alone work a flip chart. These are individuals who think it’s amusing to put snot in your hair or handfuls of grass down the back of your knickers, and won’t think twice about throwing your swimming kit on top of the bike sheds where you can’t ever reach it ever again. The best strategy for dealing with this behaviour is avoidance. I once made the mistake of sitting next to Andrew Harris on the bus for a school trip and he sicked up chocolate yoghurt all over my beautiful summer dress, just for fun. Because of him I had to spend the entire day walking about Alton Towers in only my vest and pants, covered in brown stains and stinking of puke. This resulted in me being refused entry to the Haunted House AND the log flume, which was almost too much to bear. Thankfully, I got my own back on Andrew Harris at home time when I accidentally told the teacher he was already on the bus, when in actual fact he was still somewhere in the gift shop buying fake dog poo and a Shrek mask. It turns out being stranded at Uttoxeter services for nine hours gave Andrew ample time to reflect on his juvenile behaviour, and consequently he hasn’t dared vomit on me since.
Hope that helps!


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Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen, take your top off and then get back in the kitchen and cook my fucking dinner.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Young girl, get out of my mind, my love for you is way out of line, better run girl… but I will give you a head start. Lucky St Mary’s lets you wear trainers.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If Forrest Gump has taught us anything, it’s that being stupid, serving
your country and not asking questions leads to untold riches, but
bucking the system, protesting and thinking for yourself means YOU WILL
GET AIDS AND YOU WILL DIE. You’re going to be just fine.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s your big break in showbiz this week as you stand behind Tony Hutchinson in Hollyoaks pretending to be a nurse.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Watching the World Cup, a small frisson of mortality runs through your body as you realise you’re older than most of the players in the competition and you’d probably have a lot more in common with John Motson.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me…FUCK you I won’t do what you
tell me!…FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME! Unless of course
there’s some nice cake in the offing…

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
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Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Thanks to your ‘hilarious’ banter with, and impersonations of, the manager of your local Indian takeaway, this weeks sees you surpass Jenna Jameson for the amount of semen consumed in a lifetime.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Remember, there’s only so many hours in the day so if your boss is being unreasonable, use about three of them fantasising about all the different ways you could disembowel the fucker.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You are in a queue. Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Did you know that you can find out all the information about us on our website, Press 1 for ‘aaaaaaargh’, press 2 for ‘a bit pissed’ or 3 for ‘not happy with my wash’.

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Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Difficulties with your passport application this week, as the only referee you can find is a 42-year-old crack whore named Geoff.