Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
I’m gonna wash that man right out of my hair. ‘Pearl necklace’ my giddy arse.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Honestly, you’re really telling me you can’t smell that? Jesus.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Mama, just killed a man. Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he’s dead. But fortunately I’m a Metropolitan Police Officer so it’ll probably be chalked up as a health and safety violation.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your long-distance relationship falters this week as she announces she’s two months pregnant and you remember you’ve been living in Cornwall for two years. At least all the BT bills are in her name.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Okay, so you’ve been diagnosed as a self-harmer but don’t beat yourself up over it.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
When Johnny was first starting out, he was signed to a personal services contract with this big-band leader. And as his career got better and better, he wanted to get out of it. But the band leader wouldn’t let him. Now, Johnny is my father’s godson. So my father went to see this bandleader and offered him $10,000 to let Johnny go, but the bandleader said no. So the next day, my father went back, only this time with Fern Britton. Within an hour, he had a signed release for a certified check of $1000.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Disguising yourself as a female jazz musician is an ingenious way to avoid capture by the gangsters on your tail, but the reconstructive genital surgery might have been a step too far.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The fact you couldn’t hum a single song in the top 10 ten might be a sign you’re getting old but equally it could be because they’re all absolute fucking shite.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’re off once more to the Edinburgh Festival and with any luck, while you’re away, they’ll rebuild Hadrian’s Wall 25-feet high with bastarding gun turrets on it.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Life is a series of lessons and today’s one has been that High Court judges really don’t like to be addressed as â€œM’niggaâ€.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
While you’re more than aware that alcohol won’t solve any of your problems, until they invent a type of fizzy orange squash that makes you sing Oasis songs at the top of your voice and ask strange men to dance, it’ll have to do the job.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your love life takes a turn for the worse this week after the installation of an infra-red intruder alarm at Regent’s Park Zoo.