You First, Men Tell Bundchen

GISELE Bundchen has been urged to boost her breastfeeding campaign by coming to people’s houses and showing them how it’s done.

New fathers have assured the supermodel that the benefits of breastfeeding will be easier to comprehend if they can have a go on them. And, if their wives are then allowed to join in – just as an experiment, you understand – that would simply enhance the educational experience.

Wayne Hayes of Carlisle said: “I don’t yet have a baby for her to demonstrate with, nor a partner to give birth to one, but as a potential future parent I take my responsibilities very seriously.

“And I realise Ms Bundchen’s time is precious so it might be better if I video every single aspect of the process and then add a relaxed but funky soundtrack.”

Hayes said he had been ‘reading up’ about the importance of hygiene in early childcare and said he would be willing to wipe down Ms Bundchen’s breasts with a large, anti-bacterial sponge.

“I wouldn’t want to get water on the carpet so it’s probably best if we just have a nice, long bath.”

But Bundchen’s comments have been criticised by expectant mothers. Helen Archer, from Knutsford, said: “I’ve just got my husband to accept that the birth of our child means that lesiure sex is off the agenda for the rest of his life and then Gisele fuckin’ Bundchen comes along and says I should be popping my norks out every five minutes.

“He’s been humping the Dyson for the last three months as it is. This will send him into the abyss.”

Supermodelologist, Martin Bishop, said: “I think, as a mark of solidarity, other models should demonstrate the wonderful, life-giving properties of their lovely charlies, or ‘breasts’ to give them their Latin name.

“I’m thinking Lily Cole, Kelly Brook and what’s the one that does the shampoo advert? Yeah, that one.”


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Abortion Ad Upsets Exactly The Right People

THE first television advert for abortion advice has done exactly what it was supposed to do, the Advertising Standards Authority has confirmed.

The ASA said it had received 1,054 angry complaints about the Marie Stopes advert from precisely the sort of hectoring Christian freaks it was designed to piss off.

In rejecting the complaints, the ASA said it was delighted that its decision would infuriate them even more.

A spokesman said: “It was so much fun reading through their demented letters and emails, picturing their purple faces and furrowed brows and laughing at the way they signed off with ‘God Bless You’ even though they want us to die because some of us are probably gay.

“And now we can’t wait to reject the complaints about the rejection of their complaints.”

He added: “We’ve asked Marie Stopes to do a new ad which shows, in explicit detail, how the girl got pregnant in the first place, with lots of juicy close-ups and ecstatic panting.

“Maybe this could be the thing that finally causes the top of Paul Dacre’s head to pop off like a champagne cork.”

A Marie Stopes spokeswoman said: “Obviously we’re chuffed to bits.

“We thought we’d get maybe five or six hundred, but to know that more than 1000 religious arseholes who base their hatred of women on a fairy story are out there banging their little fists on a table is tremendous value for money.”