Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I am a unmarried lady in the twilight of my life, and haven’t had the urge to become biblically acquainted with a person of the opposite sex for nigh on 30 years. Instead, I spend my evenings sipping a Cup-a-Soup in the comfort of my housecoat and slippers and stroking my beloved pussy. However, I have recently become friends with a charming elderly gentleman who is, like me, fond of a nice cup of tea, so I am starting think that perhaps I should invite him over for some intercourse. The only problem is that after so many years of abstinence I’m worried that my lady area will have dried up. Should I use some lard or is there an ointment from the chemist?

Dear Betty,
Sometimes I worry that my granny is lonely because she doesn’t have a boyfriend either. I think she used to have a husband, but he snuffed it a very long time ago and ever since she’s been happy to spend most of her time complaining about Tesco. If she’s not doing that, she’s weeing on a chair or accidentally feeding laxatives to to the dog. All in all, it doesn’t leave much room for romance. I don’t blame her really: there’s only one man at her church group and he has no teeth and smells strongly of jobbies. My advice is to forget about this man and stick to watching telly and playing with your front bottom.
Hope that helps!


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Chop-Chop, Scientists Tell Women

BEATING cancer involves less chatty and more cooky, according to new research.

Scientists claim that an hour of housework a day can reduce the risks of several cancers and that knowing your way around a Magimix wouldn’t do any harm either.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “The occasional brisk walk can also help, especially if it’s to an off licence or a newsagent.

“According to these sums I just did, there are some hugely beneficial aerobics involved in bringing me back a bottle of Southern Comfort and a copy of Penthouse.”

He added: “We also reckon things like ordinary household dust, unwashed dishes and my dirty boxer shorts can cause all kinds of bad cancer mojo to happen. And a fridge full of uncooked bacon is like having a built-in unexploded cancer bomb in your kitchen.

“Carcinogens seem to hate a bit of hoovering as well. It’s a very complicated science thing that would only confuse you and make you want chocolate.”

Brubaker said the benefits of regular exercise only affect certain parts of the body: “Start flapping your gums and you may as well smoke 40 a day through an asbestos cigarette holder.

“It’s a shame but I’m afraid that biology, like Big Susan across the road, is a cruel mistress.”