Wetherspoons to open in A&E

PUB chain Wetherspoons is to open outlets in accident and emergency departments for injured brawlers who want another drink.

The hospital pubs will cater primarily for the weekend crowd of young, bleeding partygoers who have just been in a drunken, violent fight about nothing.

A spokesman said: “These outlets will be designed in a way that is sensitive to the other patients. There won’t be any loud music or fruit machines. Just booze, value for money food and a fag machine.

“They will also have appropriate names like ‘The 16 Stitches’, ‘The Mutiple Contusion’ and ‘The Face and Bottle’.”

He added: “There is a long tradition of drunk people having their limbs sawn off going back to the Napoleonic wars. Admittedly they were soldiers and sailors rather than people outside a kebab shop receiving a shoeing that was largely their own fault.”

Julian Cook, who gets in a fight with a human or an object most weekends, said: “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with enjoying a pint and a cajun platter while waiting for your head to be pieced back together.

“And I will of course behave responsibly, as long as none of you fuckers gives me a funny look.”


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Man Who Thinks He's Spiderman Attacked By Man Who Thinks He's Jesus

BRITAIN’S most lovable feud was relaunched today as the one who thinks
he is Jesus launched a scathing attack on the one who thinks he is

Publicising his new book, I’m Jesus, the one who thinks he is Jesus said: “Like most people who think they’re Spiderman, he could be an immense source of strength.

“But the more convinced he became of his super-powers the more difficult he was to work with. Especially as he refused to call me ‘Lord’ or ‘Messiah’, which I found rather maddening.

“Eventually I realised that while he was very capable, he had zero emotional intelligence. And he also had a habit of swinging from the Downing Street banister and kicking me in the chest.”

The one who thinks he is Jesus said the one who thinks he is Spiderman was doomed the moment he abandoned the way of the True Christ.

He added: “He always opposed academies and foundation hospitals even though I knew they had to be right because I’d got the idea from, you know… God.”

But a source close to the one who thinks he is Spiderman hit back, saying: “So what if he didn’t have emotional intelligence? He had Spidey-Sense, which is much better.

“And when Doctor Octopus blew up Lehman Brothers it was Spiderman who trapped him in a huge web and took him to jail. When a multi-armed techno-villain is on the rampage the last person you want in charge is a man who thinks he’s Jesus.

“Like the song says ‘who ya gonna call?’.”

But Tom Logan, professor of politics at Reading University, said both men were pricks.

He added: “While they and the empty husks they surround themselves with will think this is the latest battle in some epic saga, the rest of us just see two pricks who spent 13 years killing people, fucking the economy and generally dicking about with our lives.

“While they will no doubt talk of legacy, I suspect their graves will become overgrown and abandoned, freshened only by the urine of an occasional, passing historian.

“Meanwhile, it will be interesting to see how this affects the leadership contest currently being fought by a group of men who all seem to think they’re a cardboard cut-out of Nick Clegg.”