Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
The other day, a female friend and I were comparing notes about our husbands. It turns out her husband gets up extra-early every  day to prepare breakfast in bed which he brings to her on a tray with a single red rose, then performs certain lewd acts on her downstairs department with his tongue, before telling her he loves her more deeply than ever and heading out to work. My husband, on the other hand, takes an enormous dump, shouts obscenities at Christine Bleakely and Adrian Chiles and then buggers off leaving his dirty plate and mug lying on the living room floor. Surely there must be something I can do to get one over on this awful woman and her bastard husband?

Dear Lois,

It’s never a good idea to start comparing what you have with others, as it always leads to jealousy and unhappiness. I used to hate Amanda Sullivan with a burning passion because she always had the prettiest dolly, and the fastest bike, and the sparkliest pencil case, and she bragged about this constantly. It seemed that nothing could assuage the misery which developed from having to watch her get the most expensive and fashionable stuff for birthdays and Christmas while I had put up with rubbish and embarrassing presents from Poundstretcher selected by my half-demented, vision-impared granny. What I quickly learned was that the best course of action in this type of situation isn’t to sit around and be envious, but instead to take the initiative and fabricate some damaging rumours about your enemy so that no-one cares if she’s got better stuff than you because everyone now thinks her mum had sexual intercourse with the janitor.
Hope that helps!


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Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The people who say that the best form of revenge is a life well-lived
have clearly never pissed through the letterbox of a dole officer who’s
turned down your sickness benefit claim.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Thursday while you’re investigating some unusual looking pods on an
alien planet one of them opens up and a slimy creature jumps at your
face, pierces your space helmet and impregnates you. A couple of days
later just when you’re feeling your old self again, the gestated alien
foetus rips though your stomach, lets out a blood-curdling screech and
then scurries off leaving your shipmates stunned and horrified while you
lie there twitching as your guts spill across the table. And on Friday
an old flame gets back in touch.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The internet is the greatest invention of the last 100 years, so by all means spend the weekend seeing what it would look like if you and the Nolan Sisters had kids?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Part of the doctor’s advice for your bleeding piles is to avoid excessive wiping. Why does he think you do that?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
We are the champions, my friends and we’ll keep on fighting ’til the end. Unless of course we get contacted via a third party by some shady Middle East betting syndicate.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not give your home the feeling of space, light and warmth it currently lacks by burning the fucking place to the ground?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force. Or Fern Britton.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A difficult day at work in your ad agency as it takes a whole eight minutes to decide to make the new set of aftershave adverts a series of oblique, pseudo-intellectual phrases mumbled over pictures of muscular torsos.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week find a busker and then join in with whatever song he’s singing except do in a really weird falsetto while making obscene hand gestures.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you  stand in front of thousands of people and explain why you sold out everything you, and by extension they, ever purported to believe in for the fleeting illusion of power, all the while your thoughts drowned out by your desperate, screaming soul. Enjoy.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you do what you can for the victims of the Pakistani flood by haggling over a pair of second hand trousers in Oxfam.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
There’s a certain romantic nobility to your drinking, a bit like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. Except that with you it’s really more Staying in Wetherspoons.