Being a virgin at 28 is nothing to do with my incredibly strange personality

By Martin Bishop

I’M one of a growing number of young people who are choosing not to have sex, and it’s nothing to do with my strange personality or worrying religious beliefs.

We live in a hyper-sexualised world where sex is a commodity, not a special, beautiful thing between a man and a shy, pure woman untainted by other penises.

When you meet me you’ll find I’m a normal guy with a decent job in IT, although you’ll soon start to notice my off-kilter social skills, such as talking about Land Rovers for 20 minutes when you’re clearly not interested.

You’ll also wonder why I keep mentioning ‘spirituality’. Soon I’ll reveal I’m a full-on Christian, the sort who volunteers for a youth group where we teach children demons are real.

I’m only a virgin because I’m waiting for the right woman. She’s got to be beautiful, intelligent, kind and wise, like Emma Watson crossed with my gran. That sounds unrealistic, but it’s okay if she’s not intelligent.

Being a virgin also has nothing to do with my hobby of egg collecting. If I was a hot girl I’d be fascinated by hundreds of old, lifeless eggs arranged obsessively in cabinets.

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t considered losing my virginity by picking up someone in a club. But the drink prices play havoc with my strict personal budget and a lot of women have diseases these days.

So as you can see, being a virgin is a lifestyle choice and perfectly normal, although sometimes I have to go to the doctor’s with ‘wanking injuries’.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

McDonald's workers stunned as someone orders Filet-O-Fish

WORKERS at a McDonald’s have been plunged into chaos after somebody ordered a Filet-O-Fish.

It is the first time anyone has chosen the oily, mayonnaise-slathered fish object since 1991 when a very drunk man mistakenly thought he was in a chippy.

McDonald’s worker Nikki Hollis said: “I was like ‘what?’. I even got him to write it down just to be sure I wasn’t hallucinating. I told him I’d have to go and get the manager.”

Staff at the York branch of McDonald’s considered phoning the police, but after consulting with head office it was confirmed that the only Filet-O-Fish in the UK would be helicoptered from its special underground containment unit in Halifax.

Hollis added: “When it arrived, it was the first time any of us had seen a Filet-O-Fish. There was a tense moment as I nearly put a gherkin on it and somebody screamed ‘no!’.”

However purchaser Roy Hobbs said: “The first bite tasted okay but then I looked inside the bap, which is always a mistake. There is a saying, ‘if you look into the Filet-O-Fish for long enough, the Filet-O-Fish looks into you’.

“I’m not eating that and I want my money back.”