Millennials will never know the simple pleasure of a pack of ten fags

THE millennial generation will never know the simple, honest joy of purchasing a ten-pack of cigarettes, a study has found. 

Research showed that, in addition to squeezed wages, the housing crisis and global warming, millennials face the agony of either committing to 20 fags or having none at all. 

Social scientist Dr Helen Archer said: “This generation faces unbearable pressures. The collapse of public services, never being able to buy a home and being unable to get smokes for a night out without laying out more than a tenner. 

“Yes, they have iPhones, Fitbits and bitcoin, but they face being heavily taxed by their peer group in smoking areas because they are forced to carry a wealth of snouts. 

“Even in the post-war years, under rationing, Britons could buy five Woodbines and for many alive today it would seem inconceivable not to be able to get a pack of ten. 

“I only hope they will be able to forgive us for what we’ve done.” 

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Afternoon drinking session descends into men struggling with heartburn

AN afternoon drinking session has descended into a group of middle-aged men each privately trying to manage their terrible heartburn.

The men, who used to do this kind of thing all the time when they were younger, each managed three full pints before making a variety of excuses as to why the fourth was going down so slowly. 

Bill McKay, aged 44, said: “I could tell it wasn’t just me. Peter winced every time he reached for his pint, and Simon out of nowhere started talking about stroke symptoms. 

“I was doing my best, but making convivial conversation isn’t easy when you feel like you’ve got hot coals in your chest. We’d been talking about a curry later. That never happened. 

“Tom claimed he was nipping to the shop for fags, but I saw him taking two Rennies. I know because Tim got some off him in the toilets later. 

“Eventually I was forced to order a Baileys.”