Choose your own Brexit: An interactive fantasy for all ages

PLAY our interactive adventure in which YOU are the brave Brexiteer who can save England from the evil foreigners.

1) You are in a tavern when a stranger called Nigel asks you to go on a quest to leave the EU. If you accept, go to 3. If you decide it’s just xenophobic bollocks go to 2.

2) Oh no! You are trapped in the Cave of Remoaners. Anguished cries echo in the darkness. If you try to escape, go to 3. If you decide to stay, go to 4.

3) You are on the Road to Brexit. Suddenly your path is blocked by the Barnier, a terrifying creature with a foul stench of creamy soft cheese. Roll a dice to do battle. If you roll a 1, you die and must go back to the start. If it’s 2-6 go to 5.

4) You turn into a Remoaner, a slimy creature that refuses to see the many benefits of Brexit. You stay here forever, eating raw fish heads in the dark. THE END.

5) You kill the Barnier with your trusty WW2 bayonet. Villagers flock round saying “Thank you, brave Brexiteer!” and give you roast beef sandwiches. Go to 6.

6) You reach a fork in the road. A sign pointing left says ‘Hellish Multicultural Immigrant Land’. The one pointing the other way says ‘Brexit’. If you turn left go to 2. If you turn right go to 7.

7) You have reached Brexit Fantasy Land! Unicorns are gamboling on the sunlit uplands, everyone is white and Germany has collapsed. You get the odd feeling you’re in a weird, jingoistic delusion. If you ignore it, go to 8. If you realise Brexit is bullshit, go to 9.

8) You live happily in Brexit Fantasy Land. However one day Brexit actually happens and Britain leaves the EU. Go to 9.

9) Shit! You have entered reality! The economy is fucked, Sainsbury’s never has any courgettes and everyone is blaming everyone else for all eternity. THE END.

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Woman covering face with hands during horror film forgot about ability to close her eyes

A WOMAN was so scared during a horror film she totally forgot she had eyelids and used her hands instead.

Emma Bradford also tried using a cushion and her partner’s shoulder in a desperate attempt not to see the gory bits in The Evil Dead.

She explained: “I was so terrified I just forgot how eyes work. I thought about digging a hole in the floor and then placing my head inside it but I didn’t have a spade. I even toyed with the idea of setting the TV on fire.

“In the end, I realised that this is exactly what hands are for! They’re like eyelids on sticks that also protect you from baddies.”

Emma’s partner Wayne Hayes said: “I wouldn’t mind but she spent half the fucking film asking me to explain what happened in the bits she didn’t see.”