I smashed my kids' iPads because money and material things are meaningless, says Kirstie Allsopp

TV PRESENTER Kirstie Allsopp has admitted she smashed her children’s iPads to teach them that capitalism is not the path of the spirit. 

Allsopp, whose Channel 4 show with tantric sex guru Phil Spencer taught Britain to reject shallow materialism, confessed she was worried that her children were straying from the teachings of Buddha. 

She continued: “As I always said in Location Location, worldly phenomena such as a five-bed in the Essex commuter belt with potential to add value via a loft conversion are merely a veil masking the eternal truth. 

“The boys only had the iPads for the meditation apps, or so they’d told me, but I found them playing a game which not only celebrated violence but the ownership of territory which could no more belong to a man than to the lowliest potato bug. 

“So I shattered the iPads, in doing so showing them that all material things are ephemeral and only the self is eternal. That’s just good parenting.

“Ultimately, I want the whole country to be so enlightened it has no possessions or money at all. That’s why I support the Tories.” 

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UK's first openly shit university launched

THE first university that is honest about being a bit shit has opened with a poorly-organised ceremony.

St Rice Krispie’s Sub Par University has a policy of not pretending to be anything other than a shambolic mess that exists purely to make money rather than to teach people things.

A spokesman said: “Other shit universities say they can help you achieve your dreams, whatever they might be.

“We make no such bold claims, unless your dream is to fork out thousands in exchange for three weekly hours of uninspired, recycled lectures delivered by bored alcoholics.

“We will accept fucking anyone, even if you never went to school because you were raised in a forest by wolves. Actually even wolves can come and study here, if they’ve got the cash.

“Foreign students are especially welcome because we get more money for them.”

He added: “St Rice Krispie’s motto is ‘Everything is pointless so let’s drink cheap beer’. Apparently it’s a Stephen Hawking quote, although we might have just made that up.”