Man who got dog to attract women probably the last person who should own an animal

A MAN who bought a dog to attract attention from women is the last kind of person who should be looking after an animal, it has been confirmed.

Tom Booker of Swindon bought his Jack Russell terrier dog as a puppy and says it was definitely worth the money he spent on it “because the birds love it”.

Booker said, “The dog’s great and he was worth every penny. I mean, you should see the birds who’ve been coming over to chat to me when we’re out in the park.

“They’re all like, ‘Isn’t he lovely?’ and I’m like, ‘Me or the dog?’ with a bit of a wink and that.

“They all seem to walk away in disgust after I say that, but at least am talking to them.

“Plus, he makes no noise when we’re at home. None that I hear anyway, as I just stick him in the garden with a shitload of dog treats while I play Call of Duty with my headphones on.

“It’s great being a dog person.”

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Kids warned not to mention Fortnite or crisps in 'what I did in the summer' essays

PARENTS are forcing their children to not mention telly, computer games or grab bags of sweets in their ‘what I did this summer’ essays, it has emerged.

Hoping to avoid judgement by teachers and social services, child owners have been coaching their offspring to create false narratives of stimulating nature walks, Shakespeare plays and piano lessons. 

Nikki Hollis, mother of nine-year-old Connor, said: “To be fair, we did start off with trips to the park, but by the second week it was just him playing console games about car theft while I tried not to have a nervous breakdown by watching Netflix upstairs.

“I’ve told him that if he wants any screen time whatsoever for the rest of his childhood, he will be sticking to the story that we went to several museums, an art gallery and practised the recorder every day.”

Hollis also used Photoshop to create Instagram posts showing Connor at the Science Museum using an interactive map of the galaxy, while in the original non-doctored image he is holding the telly remote and eating a Snickers.

Meanwhile, teachers are offering selectively edited versions of their holidays that highlight foreign trips and lots of reading but omit the drug-induced blackouts.