Five anti-ageing tips for people who live in a fantasy world

DO you genuinely believe there’s a way to stop the forces of time and gravity turning you into a haggard, wrinkly old sack of organs? These tips are for you.

Hang out with babies
Did you know what when you put a tomato next to a banana it ripens faster? This is the same principle, but in reverse. It’s best to hang out with babies you know though, or you might get arrested.

Live underwater
If drinking lots of water helps keep you looking young, the next logical step is to be surrounded by water all the time by living in it. And if you happen to drown, you’ll never age another day.

Look permanently surprised
Pros: elevated eyebrows and a wide mouth will stop your face developing fine lines. Cons: people will be freaked out and stop speaking to you.

Become an astronaut
If you’re in space you travel much faster than people on earth and therefore age slower. But never mind the science, you need to quickly figure out a way to make friends with Elon Musk.

Use oils to hydrate
But don’t namby-pamby around with baby oil or coconut oil. Go for proper, heavy-duty oil, such as Castrol GTX or whatever you can drain out of the deep fat fryer.