We wouldn't have made you speak German, say Germans

A NAZI occupation of Britain would not have included compulsory German lessons, Germans have confirmed.

After professional twat Piers Morgan repeated the claim, Germans said there was no historical basis for it and the Wehrmacht would have been “busy with war stuff”.

Rolf Schmidt, an accountant from Stuttgart said: “If British wankers are going to keep banging on about the war in fucking 2019, could they at least get their facts right?

“If German troops had overrun Britain there would have been slightly more pressing tasks such as dealing with the resistance and getting ready to invade Russia, which is quite big.

“German night classes would not have been a priority, although given your pitiful language skills we would probably have been doing you a favour.”

However pensioner Roy Hobbs said: “They’d have made the entire population do German and if you failed an exam you’d be shot. They have an insatiable Teutonic thirst for conquest, which is why they hog the sun loungers.

“I feel that is a normal thing to say 73 years after the war.”

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I don't know who did you this deal but it's shit, says May

THE prime minister has advised Britain that whoever got them this Brexit deal ‘must have been a right cowboy’ and promised to get a better one. 

Theresa May has looked over the Brexit agreement while slowly shaking her head and muttering ‘dear oh dear oh dear’, and ‘what fuckwit put this together?’

She continued: “Have you tried to get it past your ERG check? Yeah, didn’t, did it. And I bet it failed the DUP as well. Honestly.

“Yeah, I mean I dunno what whoever did this thought they were doing, but it’s just not up to standard. Bet they told you it was the only possible solution, even when they knew it’d never go through Parliament.

“The problem’s this backstop, you see? Said you had to have one did they? No, you need to get that taken out and replaced with technology. Doesn’t matter what type. Just technology.

“Yeah, I’ll get to work on that for you. They know me at the suppliers in Brussels, I’m always there, so they’ll do me a special deal. No problem.”

Leader of the opposition, Jeremy Corbyn, said: “Her? You don’t want to trust her with it. I’ll get you a way better deal. You’ve got my word, that’s all you need.”