ARE you a Brexiter with no grasp on reality? Here are some solutions to the Irish border problem you’ll consider perfectly sensible.
Invade the Republic of Ireland
The Republic of Ireland used to belong to Britain anyway, so the Irish are unlikely to object to the country reverting to the wise and compassionate rule of the British army.
A quick blitzkrieg will quickly overwhelm the Irish army and Dublin will be renamed ‘Stag-Do-on-Sea’. It is impossible to spot a flaw in this excellent plan.
No border at all
After years of screeching “We’re full!” it might seem odd to have no border. However Brexiters are mainly concerned with keeping out Eastern Europeans and Muslims, whereas the Irish are okay, like Liam Neeson or Val Doonican.
Herbaceous border
An eight-foot wide border planted with a mix of brightly-coloured hardy perennials and South American grasses too delicate for smugglers to step across or terrorists to bomb without ruining its splendour for everyone.
Trained leprechauns
Leprechauns are small and crafty and thus ideal to sneak onto lorries travelling from Ireland to Britain and inspect their goods. If contraband or migrants are discovered the ‘little people’ will simply impound the vehicle using magic.
Killer robots
Swarms of nanobots will locate economic migrants and turn their brains to mush. Any IRA members smuggling arms will be blown away by Terminator 800s saying things like “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya – ASSHOLE!”.
