Five resentment-packed gifts that say 'I regret signing up for Secret Santa'

UNINSPIRED gift ideas for those who wish to God they’d never agreed to do Secret Santa.

Secret Santa always seems like such a great idea when you’re high on festive cheer and that line of coke you did to get you through a meeting about fiscal responsibility.

Now you’re faced with having to buy a meaningful gift for Phillip from accounts, with whom you’ve had a single conversation about the broken light in the disabled toilet.

Here are five totally uncreative gift ideas that say: ‘I’ve put no thought into this whatsoever and I could have spent that fiver on someone I actually know.’

Generic mug

A mug is a great way for the recipient to get hot drinks into their mouth, and unlike a cock ring it has no uncomfortable sexual subtext.

Three pack of Primark boxer shorts

Coming in a fetching array of grid-like patterns, these budget boxer shorts are the perfect gift for any man with a groin, or for a female recipient who would smile at the inference that she has a penis.

A sock with googly eyes stuck on it

When is a sock a craft project? When it has googly eyes stuck on it. Then it’s ‘Socko’ or ‘Mr Sock’, a faithful nylon friend who tragically lost his partner in a washing machine accident.

Catering size bag of Basmati rice

’Ooh it’s heavy,’ they’ll say. ‘I wonder what it is.’ Perhaps it’s a jumper or a nice coat from River Island? No, it’s a massive bag of rice.

Anal beads

Saucy and perhaps a little flirty, it’s a string of latex beads to be inserted into the recipient’s rectum during sex. A brilliantly broad-minded way to celebrate the birth of Christ.

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Child poverty increasing because not enough children have jobs, say Tories

CHILDREN are living in poverty because they refuse to put in a proper day’s work, Tory MPs have claimed.

As new figures revealed an increase in child poverty and a reduction in the number of children with part-time jobs, backbench Conservatives said it ‘did not take a genius to make the connection’.

Somerset MP Denys Finch-Hatton said: “I have my part-time job at Westminster and three company directorships which take up about two hours a month. So I am working part-time and yet I am not in poverty.

“Children have to realise that you don’t just get things for nothing because you’re a child. I’m not suggesting they all quit school and work on a building site. I’m suggesting they stay in school and work on a building site in the evenings and at weekends.

“Or shall we just give these part-time jobs to Polish and Bulgarian children?”

Sussex MP Martin Bishop added: “I am willing to pay a tech-savvy child to remove the hard drive from my computer as soon as possible.”