Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week, why not put ‘Sorry, but your kid is really ugly’ as your Facebook status, then put ‘Sorry, that was meant to be a DM’ underneath?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After a busy Easter weekend doing DIY, it’s back to work this week to earn enough money to pay somebody to rectify the horse’s arse you made of it.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
On Friday you will sign up for Tidal as you have always wanted to make sure a multimillionaire egomaniac has enough money to buy another mako shark.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re always the first to offer your seat to pregnant women on the bus, which is why they don’t let you drive them any more.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You receive your polling card on Thursday, giving you four whole weeks to have any difficult words on it explained to you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Time to up the exercise levels this weekend by going to the chippy that’s further away.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A strange new object in the sky enters your sign on Monday, causing you to go completely numb down one side.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Libra is the sign of balance so it’s appropriate that you actually smell as bad as you look.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I have a message from your grandmother. She asked if you could bring another six-pack of gin the next time you pop round.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Embarrassing scenes when a whip round at work for somebody’s leaving present sees you drop a handwritten ‘Coupon For 1 Massage’ into the envelope.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You will get an iWatch only to discover it is like a more boring, less murderous version of the voices in your head.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Now with added hold, build, sheen, texture, grittiness, side-pockets and turgidity.

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96 per cent of enthusiasm fake

INDIVIDUALS who claim to be enthusiastic actually just like hearing themselves speak, it has emerged.

Researchers found that people who excitedly describe their passion for a thing are merely trying to stop others getting attention.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “A bit of enthusiasm is fine, but quiet enthusiasm is best.

“Non-stop talking and trying to make out that you’re full of childlike wonder at the everything isn’t enthusiasm.

“That’s just being annoying.”

Professor Brubaker identified several key types of fake enthusiasm, the most prominent being ‘hipster whimsy’ where people pretend to love 80s frat-pack films, a specific type of now-unavailable cereal or an unpopular type of animal.

He added: “The other main one is ‘dead-eyed corporate passion’ which is found everywhere from shops, to meeting rooms, to branded internet video content.

“Then there’s ‘American bullshit’ which of course is a whole other level.”

Marketing consultant Nikki Hollis said: “I’m just a passionate person who discovers the best thing ever on an hourly basis and screams her head off about it.

“If you find that annoying then obviously you are dead inside. But I still think you are amazing.”