Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week, why not put ‘Sorry, but your kid is really ugly’ as your Facebook status, then put ‘Sorry, that was meant to be a DM’ underneath?
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After a busy Easter weekend doing DIY, it’s back to work this week to earn enough money to pay somebody to rectify the horse’s arse you made of it.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
On Friday you will sign up for Tidal as you have always wanted to make sure a multimillionaire egomaniac has enough money to buy another mako shark.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re always the first to offer your seat to pregnant women on the bus, which is why they don’t let you drive them any more.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You receive your polling card on Thursday, giving you four whole weeks to have any difficult words on it explained to you.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Time to up the exercise levels this weekend by going to the chippy that’s further away.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A strange new object in the sky enters your sign on Monday, causing you to go completely numb down one side.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Libra is the sign of balance so it’s appropriate that you actually smell as bad as you look.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I have a message from your grandmother. She asked if you could bring another six-pack of gin the next time you pop round.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Embarrassing scenes when a whip round at work for somebody’s leaving present sees you drop a handwritten ‘Coupon For 1 Massage’ into the envelope.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You will get an iWatch only to discover it is like a more boring, less murderous version of the voices in your head.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Now with added hold, build, sheen, texture, grittiness, side-pockets and turgidity.