Your Astrological Week Ahead

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Unhealthy relationships are damaging your self-esteem and confidence. Why don’t you weed out the negative influences in your life? Oh I forgot, you’re a pathetic needy little shit.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Open your eyes and take notice of a friend who wants more than just a casual bond. See if you can guess who it is from the top of their head.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

It’s fine to hold onto your dreams of finding the perfect mate, but you might be ignoring someone close to you who is at least worth a shag.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Your curiosity is strong so you need to find people willing to let you go in search of new opportunities. You can’t pretend you’ve slipped in there by accident every time.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Today you are feeling torn between your usual grasping thoughtlessness and a new streak of mean, uncaring, inconsiderate self-absorption.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Show your pals how much you appreciate them by making them something from scratch. That way it won’t cost you anything

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Your idealistic theories about the world endear you to someone close. So what if she is your niece? Invade Russia.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

A long-lasting relationship may not seem possible to you right now, but if you stay positive and persevere, it will still not be possible for you in the future either.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Friends want to set you up on a blind date. So why not let them? If they can’t see then you are at least in with a chance. Do they know any that can’t smell?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

It's okay to be idealistic about love, but keep your standards at realistic human levels. Unless you are reading this in Wales.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

Sooner or later you will find the best approach for you for getting a date. Some men are turned on by the wedding ring, they see it as a challenge. You just have to experiment.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Knife Carriers To Be Shown Round Spoon Factories

YOUNG people who carry knives are to be sent on a series of educational outings, taking in hospitals, Madame Tussauds and a spoon factory.

Ministers have pledged to get tough on knife crime with a series of 'shock tactics' designed to hammer home the message that carrying a knife will not result in an automatic prison sentence.

Home secretary Jacqui Smith, said: "The hospital visit will let them see how traumatised the victims are, especially when they come face to face, once again, with a crazed, knife carrying thug.

"Madame Tussauds will help everyone wind down after the stress of the A&E department, and then it's on to the spoon factory where they will not only discover how spoons are made, but how spoons can be used to bring communities together."

Ms Smith also rejected calls for automatic jail terms, adding: "I really do not see the point of locking up thousands of knife-wielding maniacs, just because they want to kill people."

But the Tories have attacked the government's plans, insisting the best way to educate young people about knife crime is to stab them.

Tom Logan, Tory frontbench crime spokesman, said: "For a first offence I would stab them in the arm, just above the elbow.

"Repeat offenders would be strapped to a large, spinning wheel and I would throw knives at them while wearing a blindfold."

He added: "I'm not very good at it, so they are bound to get seriously injured."