Your Astrological Week Ahead

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

Remember the number of that guy you slept with, which is stuffed into your wallet? Well, dig it out and call. Maybe he will know why it burns when you pee.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Someone you've been secretly admiring has been checking you out right back. That’s them with the binoculars. Next to the policeman.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Pick up the phone and a call a faraway friend. Ask them what they are wearing. Stroke yourself until you go off. That’s better!

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Right now the stars are right for updating your online dating profile. Spend some time crafting clever copy, and add some recent photos of someone else. No point in wasting all that effort on writing.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

You're finding it super easy to talk to people, and keep them hanging on your every word. That’s because they don’t have a gun.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Start the week off right by writing down all your social engagements. Now what?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

You met someone new who really likes you a lot, but it doesn't quite click for you. No problem. Sleep with them until someone better comes along.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

When you meet someone who sparks your interest, don’t just point at your crotch and make grunting noises. Point at theirs too, silly!

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Are you feeling uncertain about what your future holds? You and me both babe. I’m shitting it.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Don't feel lost. Maybe losing a partner is an improvement. Now you get to masturbate whenever you like, not just when they are pretending to be asleep.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Some little thing sets you off in a big way, at least offer to clean it off her shoes, it’s the least you can do!

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Xenophobes Welcome Huge, Stinking Metaphor

BRITAIN'S xenophobes were last night celebrating the arrival of an enormous, foul-smelling metaphor wafting over the channel from continental Europe.

As millions of people across southern England complained of a strong, sulphurous odour, politicians, newspaper columnists and right-wing bloggers scrambled to be the first to compare it to the familiar stench of EU corruption.

UK Independence Party leader, Nigel Farrage, said: "This is the same smell you encounter in a Strasbourg toilet.

"It's the smell of thousands of dirty Frenchman eating your tax money and washing it down with frog juice.

"Then they pull down their filthy trousers, squat over a massive, subsidised ditch and evacuate their corrupt, socialist bowels all over a photograph of Shakespeare."

Daily Mail columnist, Peter Hitchens, said: "It seems this foul odour is emanating not from the homosexual atheists at the BBC, but from that cesspit of state-funded multi-culturalism across the English Channel.

"Do we need any more proof that the European Union is worse than four asteroids hitting the Earth simultaneously and that Frenchmen are no better than diseased ferrets?"

Shadow foreign secretary, William Hague, told The World at One: "It would appear someone has inadvertently emptied the lavatories on the EU gravy train.

"Aren't foreigners a bunch of manky bastards?"