Your Astrological Week Ahead

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

Something seems a little odd about the new person who's been flirting with you. At first meeting they don’t appear to be a deranged bunny boiler. Multiple personalities?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Get the facts before you overreact. And then overreact

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Are all your friends calling and asking where you've been this past few weeks? Thought not.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

After weeks of intense late night conversations, you're finally going to meet that girl you've been chatting to online. Now, how are you going to make yourself look 15?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Your friends want to know where you get all your energy, and if you can share some with them. Tell them to get their own, it’s £40 a gramme!

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

A person from your romantic past shows up and causes you to think about some old tissues.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Avoiding the easy option all the time takes discipline, and you don’t have any. But your sister’s husband? At their anniversary party? You should be grateful you don’t remember!

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

It's one of those days. You just want to be at your desk with the door shut. If others think you're a workaholic, then let them. They got the ‘aholic’ bit right anyway.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Everything seemed like it was going so well, but now you're wondering what the hell is going on. Sometimes there are no easy answers. Was that helpful?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

It's time to take a cold hard look at your finances, fake your own death and move to Venezuela.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Inspiration will strike you at the strangest time today. Don’t forget to wipe your arse!

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Syria Outsources Evil Plotting To North Korea

SYRIA is to outsource its evil plotting to North Korea in a £3 billion deal to create the world's biggest terror brand.

The Middle Eastern rogue state will employ 300 sinister looking Asiatics at a nuclear facility in the Deir ez-Zor Governorate on a diabolical plan to wipe Israel from the face of the earth.

Meanwhile, 100 specially trained Syrians will travel to North Korea to train its population to look even more terrifyingly insane on television than they do already.

Bashar al-Assad, the president of Syria, said: "We explored a number of strategic options but only North Korea offered the vertical synergies necessary to make the numbers stack up.

"The Koreans impressed us with their bottom-up approach and evil lust for blood, while offering us a client-focused and holistic solution to all our terror needs which was premier league."

Kim Jong-il, Heavenly Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army, said: "This merger of two of the strongest names in world terror will create a results driven, customer facing force for evil without the need for major downsizing.

"While we are the global number one at looking stony faced and menacing, they are world leaders in goggle-eyed public insanity and firing guns into the air."

Bill McKay, a terror analyst at Institute for Studies, said: "Jesus H Christ. Get me a spade, three tonnes of ready-made concrete and 6000 cans of baked beans."