Taurus (April 20-May 20)
With the calls of red macaques in your ears, you wake up on Wednesday to
a sweeping vista of golden veldt through which a lowing herd of
wildebeest graze a broad, lazy path. I don’t care if it sounds racist,
but Guildford’s just not the same anymore.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you will briefly convince yourself that a politician can make a difference to your life before necking a bottle of gin, putting on some thick, red lipstick and staring in the mirror while screaming ‘whore’ at your pathetic, tear-strewn face.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your calls for reducing the rate of teenage pregnancy by giving Chlamydia to everyone under 20 who hasnâ€™t already got it fall upon deaf ears. And you’d gone to all that trouble of breeding a platoon of shameless ‘Chlamydia Marys’ to infiltrate the nightclubs of Barnsley. But where’s your parade?
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A week of celebration as the birth of your first grandchild coincides with your 21st birthday. Iceland mashed turkey product all round!
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Try telling that to my Uncle Malcolm. Before his stroke he could run a 10k in under 40 minutes, now he can’t even wipe his own arse.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
‘Fuck that shit, cuz I ain’t tha one, for a punk muthafucka with a badge and a gun to be beatin on, and throwin in jail, we could go toe to toe in the middle of a cell. Fuck tha po-lice! Fuck, fuck, fuck tha po-lice!’ Yes, I think I know this one. Is it Michael BublÃ©?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’re an outspoken idealist and a perfectionist who does not suffer fools gladly. Piss off.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your best friend complains that you don’t engage with the real world. Bit rich coming from him, given that he’s a figment of your increasingly troubled imagination.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Today you wrestle with a moral dilemma: Is it still ok to enjoy Gary Glitter tunes? Would you listen to Hitler Plays Jazz? Yes? Well, go ahead, be in his gang then. Just don’t touch your toes.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A giggling psychopath is holding Gotham to ransom, so as the city’s mysterious defender it’s a good time for having a screaming hissy fit at some blameless lighting technician who was just going for his lunch, you dreary, overpaid tit.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’ve been saving up your 20p pieces in a jar for eight months and this
week you’ll finally have enough to buy yourself a bigger jar to put
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Queen’s knight takes king’s bishop. Checkmate. Then again, we are playing Buckaroo.