Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
With the calls of red macaques in your ears, you wake up on Wednesday to
a sweeping vista of golden veldt through which a lowing herd of
wildebeest graze a broad, lazy path. I don’t care if it sounds racist,
but Guildford’s just not the same anymore.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you will briefly convince yourself that a politician can make a difference to your life before necking a bottle of gin, putting on some thick, red lipstick and staring in the mirror while screaming ‘whore’ at your pathetic, tear-strewn face.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your calls for reducing the rate of teenage pregnancy by giving Chlamydia to everyone under 20 who hasn’t already got it fall upon deaf ears. And you’d gone to all that trouble of breeding a platoon of shameless ‘Chlamydia Marys’ to infiltrate the nightclubs of Barnsley. But where’s your parade?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A week of celebration as the birth of your first grandchild coincides with your 21st birthday. Iceland mashed turkey product all round!

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Try telling that to my Uncle Malcolm. Before his stroke he could run a 10k in under 40 minutes, now he can’t even wipe his own arse.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
‘Fuck that shit, cuz I ain’t tha one, for a punk muthafucka with a badge and a gun to be beatin on, and throwin in jail, we could go toe to toe in the middle of a cell. Fuck tha po-lice! Fuck, fuck, fuck tha po-lice!’ Yes, I think I know this one. Is it Michael Bublé?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’re an outspoken idealist and a perfectionist who does not suffer fools gladly. Piss off.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your best friend complains that you don’t engage with the real world. Bit rich coming from him, given that he’s a figment of your increasingly troubled imagination.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Today you wrestle with a moral dilemma: Is it still ok to enjoy Gary Glitter tunes? Would you listen to Hitler Plays Jazz? Yes? Well, go ahead, be in his gang then. Just don’t touch your toes.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A giggling psychopath is holding Gotham to ransom, so as the city’s mysterious defender it’s a good time for having a screaming hissy fit at some blameless lighting technician who was just going for his lunch, you dreary, overpaid tit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’ve been saving up your 20p pieces in a jar for eight months and this
week you’ll finally have enough to buy yourself a bigger jar to put
them in.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Queen’s knight takes king’s bishop. Checkmate. Then again, we are playing Buckaroo.


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

80% Of Britons Name Television In Their Will

FOUR out of five people in Britain have named their hire-purchase widescreen television in their will, according to a new study.

The survey showed that most people are more familiar with their television’s menu functions than their own middle name and around 60% would rescue it from a house fire at least an hour before their own children.

Researcher, Gail Hartman, said: “One woman I interviewed kept referring to her 42” Sony Bravia as ‘Lewis’ and insisted I tell him how handsome he was looking today.

“She’d made it a little hat and everything and she said she’d had him since he was a portable.”

Hartman stressed that mixed human/television marriages are inevitable, adding: “It’s only a brief moment  of evolutionary time before men develop SCART-shaped genitals to consummate their feelings, whether it be with a classy, sophisticated Panasonic that’s too good for them or some skanky little Alba they’ve picked up in Argos.

“The relationship between owners and their sets has changed over the years – in the 30s they were viewed like members of parliament stood in the corner of the room telling you which set of  fuzzy-wuzzies the Prime Minister had recently subdued.

“These days your average television is like a priapic moron with ADD hurling shit into your face, then calling you an idiot for letting him get away with it. Like a slightly less demented version of Noel Edmonds.”

Figures showed that the average UK citizen watched an average of four hours of television a day, although this figure trebled in areas within 300 yards of an Iceland store.

This represents a 22% increase from 2005 with experts citing the harsh winter and the lingering hope that James May will eventually rip off  Richard Hammond’s arms and use them to beat Jeremy Clarkson to death.