Pretend Blackberry Obsession Rockets

MANY Blackberry owners are pretending to fixate on the gadget as an excuse for ignoring their tiresome, bleating partners, it was claimed last night.

Research by the Institute for Studies found that 68% of Blackberry owners regularly fiddle with the device, staring at it intently as if completely absorbed in its tiny screen, just so their spouse won’t talk to them.

Father-of-two Tom Logan said: “My wife thinks I’m besotted with the machine and regularly threatens to thrown it out of the kitchen window.

“I don’t even know what it does. I just sit there typing words like ‘sfdhhrht’ with a grave expression on my face like I’m lost in some sort of profound technological communion.

“I’ll hear my wife ask questions like, do I want to go on some horrific ‘city break’ with her vile, braying friends. But I don’t respond, and after a minute or so she’ll go away.

“Works the same with the kids, and all their bullshit.”

Teacher Nikki Hollis said: “My Blackberry is much more than just a complicated electronic geegaw that makes my utterly routine existence feel slightly more jazzy.

“It’s a wonderful excuse for not responding to my husband when we’re in bed and he starts doing that oh-so-subtle ‘cuddling’ thing that means he wants to point his bloated, hairy carcass at my fandango.

“I just keep poking away with my little pen, like I’m writing an important email. Eventually he’ll give up and turn to face the wall, pretending to be asleep while secretly simmering with a silent and ever-growing resentment.

“So that’s really good.”

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Britain Passes Point Of No Return As Importance Attached To Cowell Opinion

BRITAIN finally hurtled beyond the point of no return last night as the political opinions of Simon Cowell were regarded as important.

Around the world dozens of nations have expelled British diplomats, closed embassies and commandeered British businesses after the voting intention of the inventor of Shit Factor and Britain Must be Stopped was the lead story in the country’s biggest newspaper the day before a general election.

The prominence given to Cowell’s thoughts has left the pound teetering on the brink of total and irreversible collapse as the White House made an urgent call for Britain to be suspended from Nato and the country’s permanent seat on the UN Security Council handed to Robert Mugabe.

In Columbia, the leaders of the world’s biggest drug cartels said British people were no longer good enough to buy their cocaine, while Osama Bin Laden insisted that he would not waste perfectly decent bombers on the British but stressed that if we continue to attach importance to any of Mr Cowell’s opinions we will all be dead by the end of May anyway.

Ali-Al Mukhtar, the Pirate King of Somalia, added: “Like everyone else we have a franchised version of Shit Factor, but that doesn’t mean I want his opinion about who should be prime minister. Jesus Christ.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Britain is basically finished as a nation. As far as the rest of the world is concerned we are nothing more than a stinking pile of human refuse.

“We are a puke-filled gutter, we are a bucket of piss, we are a used condom in a sandwich made of mouldy bread and rotting chicken gizzards – we are less worthy of respect than our own steaming faeces.”

He added: “Only the Australians seemed to be impressed, so obviously I’ll be killing myself with this crossbow.”