Guest Blog: Danny Dyer

SO there I was, walkin’ the mean streets of West Hampstead with only a six-man camera crew and seven security advisors for company.  By the looks I was gettin’ from some of the naughty local faces – Lucy, the Channel 4 documentary maker, Victor, the Classics teacher and Cameron, the web designer – I was beginnin’ to feel like Nick Love at the Cannes Film Festival.

As I strolled down the street, hands in the pockets of me Crombie, I was walking the walk of a geezer what knows that around the corner there may well be some fuckin’ lunatic waitin’ to open me up like a tin of beans and make a name for himself, but on this occasion I was in luck – it wasn’t no fuckin’ lunatic, but Rory my producer who’d just been in to Café Nero to get me a skinny latte and a blueberry muffin, the fuckin’ mug.

I’ve known some tasty geezers in my life, but in my next series Danny Dyer’s Hardest Cocks it’s finally time for me to scour the nation in search of the gangster with the firmest shaft. I can tell you, it isn’t no fuckin’ picnic neither. For instance, there was Mad Jim McNulty of Aberdeen, who could hang a Black & Decker workmate from his bell-end – it was a bit  like Buckaroo, only it weren’t no plastic horse in the middle of the room, it was a right, proper naughty face with a sackload of odds and sods dangling precariously from his three card trick. No place for faint hearts or nonced-up ponces, I can tell ya.

It’s been a big year for yours truly – I thought the birth of my boy, Cosh, was fuckin’ blindin’ – but even that was put in perspective when the script for my next film landed on me doormat. If The Football Factory was naughty and The Business was proper double naughty, then you ain’t seen fuck-all yet. My long-time collaborator and visionary genius, Nick Love, is only remakin’ fuckin’ Summer Holiday. I’m playin’ Cliff Richard, but this time I won’t be mincin’ about in a bus and breakin’ into song at the drop of a fuckin’ hat, I’ll be the top boy in a proper naughty firm of nutters who drive around Europe in a Range Rover Sport, knockin’ the shit out of anyone who looks at us the wrong way. Come on you England!

Nick and myself have come under fire for the films we’ve made together. One reviewer reckoned the latest box set was ‘mindless tripe for tedious morons’, but others have slagged it off somethin’ rotten. I’m thinkin’ particularly of our It Ain’t Alf Hot Mum remake about some naughty bank-robbing Gurkha casuals scrappin’ it large with a Japanese firm of proper geezers. All I can say is – take a butcher’s at what’s been toppin’ the Poundland DVD charts for the last three days and have that, you fuckin’ muppets.

As told to Matt Owen


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US Discriminates Against Dirty Old Buggers, Says Polanski

THE UNITED States has an institutional prejudice against manky old sods, Roman Polanski claimed last night.

The generationally-ambivalent film director said that he will not return to the country until men can troll junior high schools with their hand in their pockets without being hurled against the bonnet of a police car.

In a 900-word open letter written on My Little Pony stationery, Polanksi said: “One only has to look at America’s prison system to see how they treat bold, sexual adventurers. It’s worse than having to watch The Ninth Gate or Pirates. Even I don’t remember that one.

“While it is perfectly legal to own a handgun in that country they maintain this medieval stand against deflowering prepubescent teenagers after plying them with giggle juice.”

Polanski is under house arrest in Switzerland having forgotten which countries would not extradite him to America due to exhaustion caused by a 72-hour Hannah Montana marathon.

His bail has been set as £2.5m and the director hopes to raise this amount by selling off part of his vast puppy collection.

Polanski said that by fighting his case in the US he can bring about a change in the law that would allow men to have sexual relations with minors as long as they have an Oscar nomination for Chinatown.

He added: “I realise this would also benefit Jack Nicholson, but I doubt he would take advantage of it as he’s not really interested in girls more than 55 years younger than he is.”