Labour Calls For Tactical Vote-Rigging

THE Labour Party has urged its vote riggers in key marginal seats to make it look as if quite a lot of fictional people have voted Liberal Democrat.

Peter Hain tactically forgot to declare a hundred grand, while Ed Balls has the sort of face you could tactically punch all day

With polling just two days away, senior Labour figures said the postal votes of people who don’t exist should be used to stop the Tories, but not in the sort of really obvious way that even a British policeman would notice.

One source said: “As we enter the jiggery-pokery stage, it is vital that fictitious Lib Dem voters use their non-existent heads instead of their imaginary hearts.

“These voters that we’ve made up are intelligent, sophisticated and know who would have won in their constituency if we hadn’t been up all night inventing names for them.”

The source added: “Many of the people we have concocted have still to make up their minds, but we believe that in the last 48 hours we can imagine we are persuading some of them to vote tactically.

“If successful we can create a permanent alliance of progressive fraud that can finally stitch-up the voting system and fill the House of Lords with democratically elected thieves.”

Meanwhile Labour prick Ed Balls has called for real people to vote tactically for staggeringly transparent reasons.

Julian Cook, professor of politics at Reading University, said: “In an election full of uncertainty the one thing we do know is that Gordon Brown is now a vomit-flecked wheelie bin filled to the brim with putrefying sheep guts.

“Therefore urging people to vote tactically in a way that would ultimately result in ED BALLS BEING THE PRIME MINISTER OF THIS COUNTRY would seem to be a particularly ill-advised tactic.

“Unless of course you actually want Ed Balls to be prime minister in which case I am going to find out where you live.”