Amanda Holden Reverting To Dung

THE sorcery holding Amanda Holden together is wearing off, it emerged yesterday.

Holden, the star of Big Top, the BBC comedy substitute, is a type of golem that was fashioned in the early 1990s from a mixture of horse excrement, saltpetre and frog parts by perverted wizard Les Dennis.

But friends of the Britain Must Be Stopped judge have confirmed the magic is now losing its potency after she was dragged from a fashionable London restaurant last week with foul liquids oozing from her rapidly disintegrating body.

Showbiz pundit Nikki Hollis said: “Time is running out for Amanda.

“Les Dennis used his mastery of the black arts to create a sort of Satanic fuck-pet on which he could indulge his unnatural lusts.

“He did consider cancelling his original spell after Amanda had it off with the one from Men Behaving Badly who looks like a hybrid of all three Top Gear presenters.

“He never imagined she would break free of his bewitchment and carve out a career of her own. But that’s ITV for you.”

She added: “She’s now deteriorating at an ever-increasing rate and is, to all intents and purposes, little more than three large buckets of goo and a tupperware box full of lips.”

Britain Must be Stopped fan Roy Hobbs said: “Unless she finds another evil master she could be just a tankful of pestilent ochre liquid before the end of the current series. This could seriously impair her judging abilities.

“Or not.”


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Schools Deserted

BRITAIN’S schools stood empty today, apart from 440,000 joyful teachers swinging tube socks filled with two-pence pieces.

As a jury rubber-stamped the explosive violence lurking just below the surface of an entire profession, teachers across the country said it was like getting another 14 weeks of holiday entitlement, but with much more screaming.

The teaching unions have now issued each of their members with a large photograph of acquitted teacher Peter Harvey and advised them to frame it and hang it above the blackboard.

A spokesman for the National Association of Schoolmasters and Women Teachers said: “This is what we call a ‘game changer’.”

He added: “Hello children, today’s word is ‘precedent’. Can you use it in a sentence?”

Meanwhile, Helen Archer, a chemistry teacher from Hatfield with two tube socks and a bike chain, said: “Where are they? Where are they? It’s alright, I can wait. I can wait forever.”

Tom Logan, an English teacher from Peterborough who has been called an ‘arse bandit’ 800 times this year, added: “In its wisdom the British judicial system has handed me a massive blank cheque.

“I intend to fill it in and then quietly and methodically cash the absolute fucking shit out of it.”

Julian Cook, a geography teacher form York, arrived early this morning carrying Jenny, his favourite cricket bat.

He said: “I am going to introduce Jenny to Kyle Stephenson in 4C. She’s going to be his new girlfriend and she’s going to go all the way…

“I’m ever so depressed.”