Brown And Clegg In Synchronised Larry Grayson Tribute

DAVID Cameron moved a step closer to Downing Street last night after Gordon Brown and Nick Clegg’s ill-judged tribute to Larry Grayson.

Polls immediately after the final leaders debate gave the Tory leader a clear victory while his opponents were left to question the tactical wisdom of their symbolic homage to late Generation Game frontman.

In an angry debate, Mr Clegg was forced to defend his plans to put VAT on new homes, join the Euro and grant an amnesty to thousands of illegal Isla St Clairs.

Pledging to invest in Britain’s manufacturing industries, he added: “This country needs to get back to making things. Hideous, deformed things on a potter’s wheel that is clearly beyond our control.”

But the Lib Dem leader seemed less assured than in the previous debates and after 30 minutes resorted to interrupting Mr Cameron by exclaiming ‘shut that door’ whenever the Tory leader was in full flow.

Meanwhile, a visibly fucked Mr Brown attempted to move on from the controversy surrounding his burning hatred for elderly widows, but admitted: “Yesterday was not a gay day for me.

“But I know how to remember all the things on the conveyor belt, in good times and bad. Of course, there will be cuddly toys and fondue sets, but anyone can remember those.

“I will also remember the 24 piece dinner service, the radio cassette player and the xylophone. This is not a time to take a risk with someone who won’t be able to remember the xylophone.”

He added: “Nick Clegg seems like a nice boy. But I am the one who is fancy.”

In his closing remarks Mr Cameron insisted: “This is not a time for shutting doors, unless there happens to be a foreign gentleman waiting patiently on the front step with his 14 children and his great uncle Ahmed.”

He added: “I want every family in this country to have the chance to guess what the survey says. Opportunity is knocking, it is time to open that door, play our cards right and create a great society where even our pets can win prizes.”


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Liverpool To Replace Gerrard With Petri Dish

RAFAEL Benitez planned for Liverpool’s future yesterday by buying a petri dish full of human DNA for £2m.

The Romford-replicated nucleic acid has impressed scouts recently by spreading across his dish in record time, and Benitez feels that without a set of genitals it will have a far more stable home life than Gerrard.

Benitez said; “We’ve been tracking the petri dish since it was just a collection of sand and algae, and despite telling it that Phil Collins was banned from the Liverpool dressing room it’s never tried to punch anyone in the face, which is promising.”

The petri dish said: “Despite being a loose collection of amino acids I think I’m already more resilient than Aquilani and better-looking than Kuyt.

“I know the Premiership is a big step up from a genetic research lab but I think if I keep my head down, when I eventually develop one, and really work on improving my mitochondrial shooting skills, one day I could replace Gerrard as the Liverpool player that runs around a lot but never really achieves much.”

Charlie Reeves, head of the LFC supporter’s club, said: “Spending millions on raw lumps of protoplasm shows there’s no end to Benitez’s innovation when it comes to toeing this club right up the shit-hole.

“Although a static piece of laboratory equipment might be more mobile than Carragher, this is probably his most ingenious brainfart since suggesting the player’s boots should have the studs on the inside.”

But Benitez denied sabotage ahead of an anticipated move abroad this summer after several continental clubs completely lost their collective minds, adding: “If I really wanted to ruin this club I would open the cellar door below the Kop End and let loose Doudot, the ravenous stadium-eating mongoose of Mars. Bong!”