Asda Guarantees Its Customers Will Be Uglier Than You

SUPERMARKET giant Asda has launched a new campaign pledging to maintain the least attractive customer base in Britain.

The store has guaranteed that reasonably normal-looking shoppers will never have to feel genetically inferior to at least 87% of its regulars.

Asda marketing director, Julian Cook, said: “We’re actually coaxing particularly unappealing members of the public in with free buns, ensuring that after every visit you’ll walk through the exit feeling like the belle of the ball.

“Compare that to Waitrose, where you’re like desperate, half-dead pond life next to the perfectly-proportioned middle class families with their magnificent shoes and their shiny skin and their flowing, lustrous hair.”

The repugnance of the Asda-dwellers has been independently verified by experts from Centre for Faces at Reading University. Professor Nikki Hollis said: “Although it’s hard to be scientific about these things, it’s not really.

“The Asdas we visited contained genuinely unfortunate-looking people who smelled of horse sweat and stale peaches – the types who consider teeth to be a luxury item.

“We saw tracksuits rotted away at the crotch, draggy limbs and chipped, ill-fitting glass eyes. Then you’ve got the plain strange, like the bald old woman with a pine marten on a length of string, who was racially abusing a jar of pesto in Spanish.

“Certainly they were a more motley bunch than you’d get in Tesco or even Morrison’s and we left feeling like we were, comparatively, dripping with sex.”

She added: ‘”And do try the custard doughnuts, they’re very good.”


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Word 'Bigot' Loses All Meaning

THE word ‘bigot’, introduced into the English language in the late 16th Century, lost all meaning shorty after 11pm last night, it has been confirmed.

Word managers at the Oxford English Dictionary said ‘bigot’ became officially meaningless when the one millionth person on Twitter used it to describe an old lady from Rochdale who used the word ‘immigrants’.

Tom Logan, the OED’s deputy director of A to C, said: “Meaning-wise, ‘bigot’ has been on shaky ground for quite some time and, like most bad things, it’s entirely the fault of The Guardian.

Guardian readers think anyone who doesn’t love The Wire is a bigot. They think anyone who hasn’t had an interesting experience in a two-star hotel in Ho Chi Minh City is a bigot. They think anyone who doesn’t like Greco-Javanese fusion food is a bigot.

“Meanwhile, anyone who hasn’t read a book about the right-wing media conspiracy against Hezbollah is the absolute worst kind of bigot and of course they now think I’m an appalling bigot for pointing that out.

“But perhaps most damning of all is that these are the sort of twisted, ruined people who will endure at least 15 minutes of The Kumars at Number 42 simply to prove that everyone else is intellectually evil.”

Meanwhile, Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies, stressed the use of the word ‘immigrants’ by 66 year-old grandmother Gillian Duffy would have been bigoted it had been followed by ‘are not nice people’, but it wasn’t.

“Mrs Duffy said ‘You can’t say anything about immigrants… all these eastern Europeans are coming in, where are they flocking from?’. So let’s just examine that one section at a time.

“Now, the first bit is factually correct. You can’t say anything about immigrants and I’m fairly confident that we all understand that now.

“The second bit is a little tricky because it does seem to answer its own question – which Guardian readers have pointed out many, many, many times. But of course what she really meant was ‘I’m just a normal old lady and I don’t really know why any of this is happening’.

“But Guardian readers should continue to patronise her anyway because that just impresses the grade-A shite out of everyone.”

Tom Logan added: “The really wonderful thing is that the original meaning of bigot was ‘sanctimonious hypocrite’, so in the next edition of the Oxford English Dictionary we’re going to go back to our etymological roots and adjacent to the word ‘bigot’ it will simply say ‘noun – a reader of The Guardian‘.