Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Should an action be judged on its moral intent or on its benefit to society? And can either method be used to justify you repeatedly having sex with your neighbour’s dog?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Who says you’re too fat to be an astronaut? Just ignore them. Space needs fat people too.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you and your platoon are ordered to find an army private whose three brothers have been killed in action and bring him back safely before his mother faints again. Tragically the mission will claim you and half your men, but as you lie there, shot in the stomach, your life ebbing away, you implore the private to ‘earn this’. Which makes it all the more galling when he turns out to be a bit of a prick.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips. However, you
have stopped making that horrible retching noise at the back of your
throat. So we’re definitely getting somewhere.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Still no word from Blue Peter about your application to be a
presenter. Give them a call to make sure they got your pornographic
collage made out of washing up liquid bottles.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your yoga instructor finishes your advanced course by saying you have mastered all the arts they can teach. In your fucking FACE, Zen contentment.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you get the feeling that Alistair Campbell is trying to tell
you what you think. Kick his head in.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Romance isn’t measured by expensive trinkets or grand gestures; it’s the little acts of affection every day that count. But let’s not try to run before we can walk, so how about just washing your undercarriage occasionally?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve been run off your feet at work recently, what with covering your back, besmirching other colleagues and shredding the evidence of your incompetence. You deserve a break.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Thursday will see you slowly process the information that one in 20 people who voted in the election chose either the BNP or UKIP, meaning that on the bus on your way to work, statistically speaking at least two people will be mouth-breathing racist fucknuts. Well, three including you, obviously.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you sneakily try to add your first initial to the acronym PIGS
in the hope of a multi-billion pound bail out from the IMF. You never know.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your neighbourhood is filled with foreigners who can’t speak a word of English, eat disgustingly smelly food and walk around like they own the place. Provence is fucking shit.


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I recently joined a government ‘Back to
Work’ programme which was intended to stop me claiming benefits and
start actually being a productive member of society, whatever that
means. I was under the impression that this would be a positive step
forward for me, but it turns out that not only am I expected to
actually get out of bed and get dressed in the morning, I am also
supposed to do things, like carry bits of paper from one room to
another, or sit in a room with other people and talk about the next
time we will be sitting in a room talking to one another. The whole
affair is really starting to stress me out and I think I might have
to sign off on the sick. What is your advice on this troubling

Dear Ivan,
I know exactly what you mean – work
sounds just like being at school. One minute, you’re happy as Larry,
doing actions to inane songs about farmyard animals or drawing
demented stick-people with massive heads and fourteen fingers on each
hand; the next, you’re in a drafty sports hall trying to work out the
relative velocity of two trains travelling in opposite directions to
each other at 3pm and 5pm respectively. If my mummy and daddy had
warned me on my first day of school that this was just the beginning
of a long and painful journey stretching out until adulthood, I would
most certainly have refused to go. However, as we all know, if you
want to earn lots of money to buy big televisions and bread with
olives in it you have to work hard every day and pay attention to
what the teacher is telling you. If you don’t, you might end up like
Andrew Harris, sitting in library corner doing finger paintings of
deformed animals and licking the spines of books while everyone else
is busy learning about where electricity comes from.
Hope that helps!