Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A tough day at work with Ocado as you frantically try to explain to George Galloway why you delivered him Just Juice.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
As a big fan of his work you’re one of the few people who realises his full name is actually Jonathan Bonathan Jovi.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A dinner party is set to turn sour as you reveal controversial views that all meal deals should include crisps, a drink AND chocolate.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week your discover that Monopoly money is legal tender if you are really persistent and look a bit demented.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As your craft drifts inexorably toward the event horizon of the black hole, from which not even light can escape, you come across all those biro pens you thought you’d lost.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As you get older you buy clothes for how practical and sturdy they are rather than fashion considerations, so a leather gimp suit makes sense as it never goes out of style and wipes down easily.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Climbing the crest of the forest, above the fog line, the mountain peak in the distance is picked out against the cobalt of the morning sky. Beyond it lies civilisation and the six arseholes who dumped you here as a stag prank.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re really excited to see how Spider Man fits in to the Marvel universe and whether that weird dangly thing between your legs has a second function other than urination.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Only after buying the lifesize cutout of Mr Sulu for your partner do you realise that relationships don’t rely on a generous amount of give and Takei.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Rather than inviting your neighbour to your party on Saturday, why not stamp on the floor and loudly refer to ‘that prick downstairs’ until they come up?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The results come back on Friday from the “Does anybody care about your opinion on Better Call Saul?” laboratory. It’s not good news.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This horoscope has hidden meanings you are too stupid to understand.

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'Pardew effect' found to be a placebo

TELLING clubs they are managed by Alan Pardew has the same effect as if he actually manages them, it has emerged.

Crystal Palace’s rise up the Premier League table has been attributed to the purported Pardew effect – an odd phenomenon that seems to occur in underachieving sides halfway through the season but which has no empirical proof.

The first ever scientific tests have thrown up unexpected results, suggesting that the Pardew effect may in fact be a trick of the mind.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The mind wants to believe that Pardew is curing the problems, but nobody has actually satisfactorily explained how Pardew works.

“Amazingly Newcastle players are still exhibiting classic symptoms of the Pardew effect long after he has left. They also have a worrying case of John Carver syndrome, but that should work itself out in the summer.”

However, Crystal Palace players remain convinced that Pardew is working wonders at Selhurst Park.

Captain Mile Jedinak said: “The gaffer has given us a massive boost. We were the control group, weren’t we?”