The Mash guide to the Eurozone crisis

IT IS the coming crisis that absolutely nobody, from the innumerate man in the street to the technocrats leading the EU, understands or has any idea how to stop.

What are the options for the Eurozone’s future?

— Greece wants to stay in Eurozone but is unable to pay bailout debts, goes bust leaving French and German banks with billions in write-offs, Eurozone fucked.

— Greece negotiates delay to bailout debts, situation unfolds exactly as above but nineteen months later, Eurozone fucked.

— Greece leaves Euro, pays debts with worthless new currency backed by nationalised industries of goat-herding and slapping octopi on wet rocks, Eurozone fucked.

— Greece leaves Euro and EU, says it never wanted to be in either in stream of passive-aggressive posts on social media many of which quote Radiohead lyrics, pays debts with worthless currency as above, Eurozone fucked.

— Greece leaves Euro and EU, is joined by Spain, Italy, Portugal and Ireland to form new cool EU for countries who prefer having a boozy laugh to working, all of whom are too irresponsible to even bother opening letters about debts, Eurozone fucked.

— Greece stays in Eurozone, agrees to banks’ demands to sell off citizens’ organs to pay debts, angry citizens elect fascist government which invades Turkey, Macedonia and Albania, war spreads across whole continent, one-third of EU population killed and economy saved by resulting boom in industry. Preferred solution of banks, IMF and Switzerland.

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Lovejoy to join Marvel universe

THE Walt Disney Company has acquired the rights to feature roguish antiques dealer Lovejoy in its Marvel Avengers franchise.

Marvel president Kevin Feige confirmed the seven-figure buy-out of Ian McShane’s likeable yet devious art collector from the BBC this morning. 

He said: “With our acquisitions of both the X-Men and Lovejoy, the Marvel Universe continues to go from strength to strength.

“Fans can be sure that the next Avengers movie will be packed with plot lines about shady goings-on inside East Anglian auction houses.”

On an Avengers e-forum, blogger Wayne Hayes wrote: “Having an Ipswich-based antiquer with a shoulder-length mullet and deep facial creases fighting alongside Iron Man, Thor and The Hulk is simply not a true reflection of the original comics.”

Feige said: “I’ve seen sceptics sniping away online about how Lovejoy is not a ‘real superhero’. Then how do you explain his powers for distinguishing priceless heirlooms from clever fakes?

“I’d like to see Steve Rogers aka Captain America tell the difference between a genuine Stradivarius violin and a near-perfect replica. Spoiler alert: he couldn’t.”

Feige added: “This is probably not a good time to reveal that Bergerac is in the next Guardians of the Galaxy.”