Deluded individual has sense of loyalty to employer

WAREHOUSE worker Tom Booker has expressed a puzzling degree of loyalty to his employer.

Booker invariably takes the side of his employer, Hodgson’s Freight Ltd, in any workplace dispute, despite being treated as a dispensable nobody who is simply cheaper than a robot.

He said: “I always agree with the company because it makes me feel a bit like I’m a boss too, although my supervisor has said he sees me as closer to a mop or a talking monkey.

“Even so I just don’t agree with the way people are always hassling their employers with ‘paternity leave’ this and ‘industrial safety’ that. It must make British industry really uncompetitive.

“These days you’re lucky to have a job at all, and there’s no way employers would just say that because the wages are shite and you have to pay to use the toilet.”

Co-worker Donna Sheridan said: “I think Tom has a slightly romanticised view of employers as wealth creators. If they were such brilliant businesspeople you’d think they could afford a kettle.”

A spokesman for Hodgson’s Freight Ltd said: “Mr Looker is being made redundant tomorrow in favour of a cheaper agency worker, but he will receive a plastic clock with no battery for his efforts, whatever they may have been.”

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Kanye quits music to focus on being a twat

RAPPER Kayne West has quit the music industry to devote all his energy to twattish behaviour.

He said: “I am at a point in my life where I ask myself, what really fulfils me? Is it the arduous process of recording music and touring, or is it simply pissing off others?

“I would say the latter.”

Kanye’s plans for being a twat include beginning a lengthy boundary dispute with his neighbours, parking his massive jeep across three bays outside a local shop and putting a packet of Love Hearts up his backside then offering them to friends without saying anything.

Despite widespread criticism of his behaviour, West has been hailed as an inspiration to young twats.

A spokesman for the charity Tomorrow’s Twats, which works with twat children, said: “A lot of young people who are twats think they can’t make it in the world.

“Kanye proves you can be like that and still be a successful performer, artist and person who has their picture taken for pretentious magazines.

“He does not try to hide the fact that he is a twat and even if you don’t like twats you have to kind of respect that.”