Man with new trainers terrified of filthy world

A MAN who has bought new trainers can no longer leave the house for fear of what might happen to them.

The trainers, which are Nike Air Jordans with white trim and all kinds of fiddly bits that would catch the grime, are too holy to be tainted by the unclean world outside the front door.

Tom Booker of Stafford said: “At first I was only wearing them around the house to make sure they fitted, admiring their fresh-from-the-box beauty as anyone would. There’s nothing weird about that.

“They were meant to take their virgin voyage last week, but it was raining and there could’ve been puddles. Then I was going to wear them for a gig, but people spill drinks. Bright green sticky drinks.

“Then I was going to wear them for casual Friday, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. What if there was dog dirt in the car park? Or ordinary dirt?

“I put them back in their box and stayed up all night with them, stroking them and promising they’ll always be safe.”

Trainer blogger Wayne Hayes said: “It is painful for virgin, unsullied trainers to become as corrupt as the rest of this wicked world, but sometimes you need a splash from a puddle to remind yourself that these are just some things that you put on your fucking feet.”

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Flavour of Irn-Bru shrouded in mystery

NOBODY knows what the flavour of Irn-Bru is supposed to be, it has emerged.

After five years researching the taste of Scotland’s favourite non-alcoholic drink, the best description experts could manage is ‘fizzy’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We didn’t set out to prove that it’s a bad drink because it’s not, it’s actually quite refreshing. Especially if you’ve got a hangover.

“We just wanted to find out what it’s flavour is. And we are totally stumped.

“Besides being fizzy, one might describe it as ‘orange without actually tasting like orange’, ‘lemonade without tasting like lemons’ and ‘sugary fire.’

“It’s good that such an ambiguous product can thrive in an era obsessed with food provenance.”

Former Irn-Bru factory worker Roy Hobbs believes the drink may be extra-terrestrial in origin.

“They have a warehouse and it’s full of these huge knobbly rusty-coloured fruit, like the pods in Invasion of the Body Snatchers. You can see things moving inside them.

“They get shoved into a pulping machine and Irn-Bru comes out. Nobody knows where they came from, people who ask questions tend to die soon afterwards.”