Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Somebody close to you has seemed very distant recently. That’s because they hate you.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Excellent news on Thursday as your grammatical correction of somebody’s Facebook status about their dog dying confirms you as the King Of Words.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Taureans are typified by their impetuous, aggressive, impatient nature that doesn’t you’re not even reading the rest of this are you?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On Saturday your passive-aggression over your neighbour’s occasionally-loud television reaches new heights as you move to Eritrea rather than just tell them to keep it down.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’ve recently listed your flat on Rightmove as having ‘stained glass windows’, you just haven’t said what the glass is stained with.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Don’t take no for an answer this Friday, no matter how many times you’re thrown out of your local Wetherspoons.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You will spend this week considering whether moving abroad might be a new phase in your life, especially when that loan shark bet doesn’t work out how you’d hoped.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your next driving test on Monday will be a vast improvement on previous attempts as the body count drops into single figures.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Several comets are veering toward your sign over the next month. They looked tooled up. I’d pretend to be a Virgo if I were you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ll miss the lush tropical landscapes, sapphire seas and warm welcome of the locals in the holiday paradise you’ve called home for the last two weeks. Leaving will be especially painful with four pounds of coke in your rectum.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
When you’re faced with a difficult moral dilemma this week, with a number of choices all with their pros and cons, just ask yourself ‘What would Tinky Winky do?’

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
I’m too good for the likes of you. Write your own horoscope, you bellend.

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Farage offers to 'vet' every immigrant

UKIP leader Nigel Farage will vet every potential immigrant to Britain, including a full medical.

Farage said UKIP’s immigration policy is him conducting at least 50,000 ‘examinations’ each year, in a bid to ‘weed out anyone who thinks incorrect thoughts or has poor personal hygiene’.

The UKIP leader said he would meet at least 140 applicants a day, 365 days a year in order to ‘maintain the highest levels of vigilance’.

He said: “It’s a seven minute exam. They present their CV and have one minute to sell themselves and then I get stuck in.

“There will be some English history, a trick question about Chinese food and then I put on the latex glove.

“Then they have to neck a pint of John Smith’s in less than eight seconds, while I march around the room shouting absolute filth.

“But of course all of that counts for nothing if I just don’t like the look of them.”

Farage stressed that none of the other party leaders had offered to vet 50,000 immigrants a year, because ‘they’re not prepared to use the glove’.